Saturday, December 3, 2011

stealing another post from here..but i cant help it, its perfect.


It starts with words. Then numbers.

Your shoe laces.






The things we learn in the earliest of ages can sometimes make us nostalgic. To have no worries but to learn what 1 + 2 equals. To clean your room. To use stick shift.

Then life happens and adds dimension and layers you could have never imagined. The warm, tingly feelings in the arms of someone you love. The heartache in battling your insecurities. This urge to surpass your limits to see just how far they'll go.

Learning becomes intense. It becomes unbearable at times. It becomes an addiction that you can't quite ever matter how much it screws you up at moments...long moments.

You learn that there is someone out there that loves you unconditionally. You learn what it feels like to be unstoppable.

You learn what it is to plan.

You learn what it feels like to have it all taken away.

You learn about loss in the most tragic of examples. From a teacher you cannot argue with.

You learn what it is like to want to give up.

You learn what it feels like to want to die.

You learn what it feels like for time to pass...slowly...too slow.

Then you learn what it is to survive.

What it is to really wake up.

You learn that you were wrong.

You learn that their love never left you.

You learn that you are strong.

You learn to live....again.

You learn.

And you learn.

And you go from loathing life to embracing it once more.

And you are unstoppable.

And you learn.

im learning, learning to live again, learning more and more about myself each day, learning about new wants and goals... ive come a long way in just the past few months, n i couldn't be more proud of myself or nervous of whats to come. but i am embracing life and living in the now! 

Friday, November 18, 2011

needless to say the headstone DIDNT come in wednesday. but it DID come today! {friday 18}

i was so worried it wouldnt be delivered since it was snowing like crazy out here today. not mention the fact it was supposed to be delivered back in August...and they have rescheduled about ten times.

remember how i switched the stone to get it delivered sooner?...well we ended up with the stone i originally who knows if it was just some excuse to take longer to deliver {which i'm sure they regretted when putting the stone in during a blizzard along with about 4 inches on the ground}

i was very upset with the business and how long they took to deliver. but now that it is is perfect.

just getting there...
 digging the grass up, for the cement block to go into
 leveling it out
 lowering the cement block down
 they lowered the base, centered it, then put this putty stuff down and removed the sticks underneath it
 they put the stick on top of the base then lowered the top down onto it, centered it, put the calk around then removed the sticks
 removing the excess calk that was pushed out by the weight of the stone

the finished it.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

My sister in law is having a slumber party, at my house, and everyones invited! ;) so email me {} or message me on fb or txt me, and ill give ya all the details :)
im back out to the parentals, dylans blessing was sunday so i came out for it saturday night, then had a get together tuesday so didnt see the point in driving back to logan just to come back a day later, and now have a baby shower tomorrow so needless to say it just made sense to stay out here...

still no headstone. hoping this week...called today, and they told me its done and should be delivered wednesday...ill believe it when i see it.

i got more stuff put away at the house...working on turning our home into my home...i have moments where im on a roll, and doing great...then find something i havent seen in a while...if ever...quick sobfest then im back to work...

i feel with each step forward its a few back {thanks kay for this, it definitely fits right now}

still trying to decide what to do with my rings, i feel like i have considered EVERYTHING, but cant decide. i moved them to my right hand...but they got moved back, they didnt feel right over there, and my right hand is fatter than my leaning more towards wearing them around my neck, if i can get a chain that has a safety thing on it. ive thought about melting it down but then its too different, and the inscription would be gone and right now thats just way too much change...

i talked to work, n am planning on going back in January...this year is i will just start the new year off fresh.

changing titles to the truck/motorcycle is going to be the death of me! serious biggest pain. ever. but should be done least to the truck

i feel like im getting back into life, back into very happy with what i have accomplished the past couple weeks...and hope its all up hill from least a little calmer than it has been...

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

im still home. {its a big accomplishment}

 Kay and Lance stopped by yesterday ♥ it was good to see them. Lance is going to blow out my sprinklers. {as far as i know i did everything else right :)} 

ive been cleaning, putting stuff away, trying to decide what to do with stuff...its tough.

today i moved all of jasons clothes, well the ones in the closet. from his closet to the spare rooms closet. i know its not a big move, it would have been easier to just put it all in bags for the DI or whatev, but this was hard enough. im still deciding what to do with them. i think i want them made into a memory quilt. i just have to learn to sew...or find someone to make it for me {im sure i will find someone} im hoping that with them in the spare room {that i never go in to} i will kind of forget they are there, so when the time comes it will be easier to part with them.  also i couldnt handle staring at them any more, and the closet doors have to be open because frankies kennel is in there and he would have a heart attack if he couldnt get to it! so im seeing this as a step forward...i had forgotten how big Jason's feet were, seriously they were huge. {random i know}

but on a good note of cleaning out his closet, i found money! and a notebook named jasons cancer journal... he wrote in it twice...once about radar sending us on our cruise ♥ and the other was this -
I'm so sore tired & weak
staying positive is hard when the future's bleak
somehow I couldn't be more happy with my life
I owe everything to my beautiful wife
sobfest at my house!...

samples of memory quilts here

Friday, October 28, 2011

They say the inability to accept loss is a form of insanity,  Its probably true but sometimes its the only way to stay alive. - Meredith Grey

i have recently come to the conclusion that i have been hiding from reality. im sure you all are thinking DUH. it took me a while to realize it but now that i do i am trying to get back into reality...

my goal this week was to get stuff done, stuff that i should of had done months ago {cut me some slack ive been lost...still am} 
i got almost all of it done. but what i didnt get done isnt my fault, n ill be sure to get it done next week. ive gotten 2 banks taken care of 1 to go {dont ask why we use so many banks, i find it odd too} 401k, insurance, the gas bill is now in my name. now what i still have to do, other than close the one bank account is, get titles changed into my name, i went to the DMV here in logan, but in order to put my name on the truck n bike i have to get safety inspections, so i am going to take care of them in idaho, where luckily they dont believe in safety! at least not in oneida county ;) and also have to change the internet to my name, they are merging companies so couldnt find my account when i called...

im home now, for a couple days, cleaning, putting stuff away. trying to decide how to decorate my  home, my dad put it perfectly, when he told us we were the most selfish people, we decorated with pictures of us :) but its time for a if someone wants to come help me/do it for me...that would be great! :) i sprayed home defense around my house, hopefully it works wonderfully i HATE spiders. sprinklers have been winterized...hopefully i did it right, but if someone wants to come check that, that would be great too! i also change my heater filter! im slowly getting my independence back, just need to keep working on getting to the point of no longer questioning what i day ill get there.

i still wear my ring...its gorgeous tho, seriously what am i supposed to do with it...i would love to wear it forever, but with this whole trying to get with reality i feel my ring is a big lie. not to others, i dont care about others right now, im learning to take care of me, and i feel its a big lie a lie to myself. a false hope that jason is here, that he is here to take care of me and protect please widows who read my blog, what have you done with yours?...

tim{dad} told me the other day he always thought of me as a person that took life by the horns...but now im just holding onto the tail for the hit. me. hard. i know i need to get back into life, and i am trying, really trying. hoping that i can get back soon...but until then ill just hold on..its better than letting go.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

the boys helped me carve pumpkins this year, we had a blast ♥
jareth would help get the pumpkin guts out, but wesley told us it was too nasty! so he was on sleeve duty.

 up at the cemetary
the finished product. superman n wonder woman ♥

yes...there is still NO headstone. it was supposed to be delivered over 2 months ago, but they are having issues getting the stone. so changes have been made. and hopefully i wont regret them when i see the stone in about 2 weeks, the weather better stay good!

Friday, October 7, 2011

watched 50/50 tonight {thanks stephanie for going with me} i loved it. it was great, i recommend it to everyone. there was a couple scenes that were a lil odd, n wondered why they were in there...but not so much. we laughed through pretty much the whole thing, it didnt get really serious until the end, i got a little teary eyed but never lost control {i dont think ive ever cried at a movie in theater, at home different story} also i already knew the outcome n i think that was a big reason why i didnt cry {spoiler alert-he lives}

i compared pretty much the whole thing to our battle, a lot of it fit, except the whole relationship part. but finding humor in the everyday, joking about using the c-card, the way drs talk to the patient {altho our drs were pretty good for the most part} shaving jason's head, the emotions, {now i know everyone goes thru these, but jason was almost exact.} calm, mad, then total freak out. {i remember getting groceries out of the car one day, and tina called jason, he dropped a gallon of milk and every word out of the book was said. he just completely lost it. i left him in the garage n let him get it all out, i believe it helped him. {remember that tina?}}

they even said LIVE IN THE NOW!! :))

over-all i really enjoyed the movie, and so glad we didnt have to walk out!
its time for a change. a good change. preferably one that wont cost money

but its definitely time for a change.

i need to start doing something for my future, other than just worrying about it.

i dont think things will get easier overnight, im still going to have my AWFULdontwanttogetoutofbed days, but i need to do something.

im tired of being the blog that is nothing but depressing.

i do have good days. really i do.

but the good days arent the days that i need to write/vent about.

so from here out im going to try to share my good days with you all,

and im going to try to have more, more good days, more to my life than just sitting.

 i need a change.

so im working on a change. a change for the better. putting forth a little more effort to have more good days and to blog the good days.

but dont get upset when its stil 90% depressing, but thats how it goes right now.

{ps i put EVERYTHING on FB, usually the good stuff is there LONG before it is here. just fyi}

so on the fresh start of something good-

i went to the Dino park in Ogden with wesley {nephew} we had so much fun, so glad i got to go with him ♥

 he insisted on a funny face :)

 me n frankie came home today. {unsure of how long} this is frankies first time being home since february.
he was so excited, i was a little nervous he would run around looking for jason. luckily he didnt.
{i fully believe he knows he isnt physically here}

Ive recently been introduced to Geocaching, thanks kayleigh! i was/am amazed by how many are in snowville/stone!
 this one was up by my parents house, we added a stupid cancer bracelet to it :)
one of these days were going to check out all the caches in logan...

ive been blessed to be able to spend much time with this little guy ♥

{sorry about the poor quality of all the photos, they are from my phone}

ive been helping my dad with cows lately. ugh, just kidding it really isnt THAT bad. 

i just got done working out and feel great. i really need to start doing that daily. its{running} scary to do in idaho tho, too many BIG animals out there {mountain lion above my parents house, and also a few wolves}.
               im setting a goal of getting rid of pounds {way too many to post here, its embarrassing!} but im confident its going to happen, im going to buckle down be strict, and become healthy.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

LOVE this....

"All men fear death. It's a natural fear that consumes us all. We fear death because we feel that we haven't loved well enough or loved at all, which ultimately are one and the same. However, when you love a truly great woman, one that deserves the utmost respect in this world and one that makes you feel truly powerful, that fear of death completely disappears. Because when you are sharing your body and heart with a great woman the world fades away. You two are the only ones in the entire universe. You conquer what most lesser men have never conquered before, you have conquered a great woman's heart, the most vulnerable thing she can offer to another. Death no longer lingers in the mind. Fear no longer clouds your heart. Only passion for living, and for loving, become your sole reality. This is no easy task for it takes insurmountable courage. But remember this, for that moment when you are making love with a woman of true greatness you will feel immortal." -"Midnight In Paris"

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

i forgot to add on the last post that i have been demoted.

i received a wedding announcement addressed to Ms. Hope Schenk.

ive never really written Mrs. Hope Schenk, but seeing Ms. kind of hit a nerve.

i am big on MRS. now, when filling out paperwork.

but friends on FB {everything is on FB} pointed out to me that it is a sign of respect, and well i guess it would be awkward on deciding how to address such invites to me.

so i have laughed it off {like usual} and made jokes {such as being demoted} and love the couple nothing less than before.

Monday, September 26, 2011

its been a while....

in the past 15 days i have.

gone to the dr, and was informed it would be in my best interest to get with a Genetics Counselor to find out when i need to start being checked for breast cancer.

Steppy had her baby. and he LOVES me.

one of my best friends had her baby ♥

i stayed home for 5 nights, 4 of them by myself.

ive cleaned the house. got the 'pharmacy' put away.

i sold a chair {this was longer than 15 days ago but still}

i got frankie a shirt to wear cause he is always freezing. he peed on it. guess he gets to freeze.

i got my hair touched up.

ive had good days. bad nights {story of my life}

i bought new face cleaner, yay for no more connect the dots. {well not so much}

i have become OBSESSED with pinterest.

i started eating healthy today :) {hopefully it sticks}

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

there is just something about this song...

Turn away
If you could get me a drink
Of water cause my lips are chapped and faded
Call my Aunt Marie
Help her gather all my things
And bury me
In all my favorite colors,
My sisters and my brothers, still,
I will not kiss you,
Cause the hardest part of this,
Is leaving you.
[ Lyrics from: ]
Now turn away,
Cause I'm awful just to see
Cause all my hair's abandoned all my body,
All my agony,
Know that I will never marry,
Baby, I'm just soggy from the chemo,
But counting down the days to go.
It just ain't living
And I just hope you know,

That if you say, (If you say)
Good-bye today, (Good-bye today)
I'd ask you to be true (I'd ask you to be true)
Cause the hardest part of this,
Is leaving you...

Cause the hardest part of this,
Is leaving you...

Sunday, September 11, 2011

"We're so arrogant aren't we? So afraid of age, we do everything we can to prevent it. We don't realize what a privilege it is to grow old with someone. Someone who doesn't drive you to commit murder or doesn't humiliate you beyond repair."-P.S. I love you

this was a friends FB status today. 

it hit me hard.

i couldn't agree more....

except, that i feel that i know how big of a privilege it is to grow old with someone.

and i missed out on that privilege....

Thursday, September 8, 2011

i hate the term widow. i know that 'technically' i am a widow, and the name of the blog is widowed at 21. but i seriously HATE the word, and hate even more telling people that i am one.

ive only told a few people i am a widow, {drs, insurance people...people who need to know} everyone else i tell i am married, i still wear my ring and very much feel married so i tell people i am married, then it gets awkward when they ask where my husband is. but i am not ready to take my ring keep the awkward situations coming...

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

5 months.

i cant believe its been this long.

i cant believe ive survived.

"things get better with time" -- no, you only learn how to live with it.

people still say stupid stuff

still dealing with drama

still in shock.

some days it feels as if things are starting to get better

then another day comes

miss him more than words can express.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Friday, September 2, 2011

words from jareth n wesley {nephews}

i was unloading stuff out of my car n the boys were helping me, welsey took in the back pack, when i told him it was Jason's backpack,
wesley- does Jason know im using it?
me- yes he does
wesley- is he ok with it?
me-yes he is.
welsey-has he come back to life yet?
me-GULP. no not yet
Jareth-{giggling}, you cant come back to life!
me-sadly you cant, but i wish jason could.
jareth n wesley- me too.
then jareth told me all about his dream of the drs making jason all better.

i love these 2, i love their ability to ask anything, and believe in the better...i love that jason is still a big part of their lives, we talk about him almost every day ♥

Monday, August 29, 2011

i read a few months back on a blog, about how it hits her daily that her husband isnt there, isnt coming back, that he is gone. while reading it i thought for certain i knew exactly what she was talking about, was convinced i was going thru the same thing at that moment. I. WAS. WRONG. i now know what i thought i knew.

i can be having an amazing day, and when thinking about laying in bed telling jason about my day it hits me. like a ton of bricks. he wont be there. he cant be there. he is gone. i am all alone. and i HATE it.

it happens more often than not. everything can be going great, then i remember how screwed up my life is, how alone i am, how jason is gone and cant come back. and i lose it, the rest of the day is pretty well shot, and im once again lost, with no clue on what it is that i am supposed to do now.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

one year ago today we were enjoying our time in Hawaii. It was a great break, amazing to get away and have a wonderful time with family and friends ♥ forget our worries, and life in general.

thank you so much timari n reuben for letting us be there for your big day! love you guys! ♥

thank you all for the memories. i will cherish them forever ♥

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

the headstone was supposed to be here by now. i was worried it was going to be put in while i was gone to AZ {i want to be there}, but it obviously was not. i was going to call them to find out what was going on, but they beat me to it.

apparently they are still waiting on the stone. the quarry they work with has layed off a lot of people, so we get to wait. they informed me they are expecting the stone by the end of september...and who knows how long it will take to engrave it, hopefully it all happens before it gets too cold to put in the stone in and we end up waiting even longer.

i hate that it isnt there yet, i ordered when i did because i didnt want to be the person who took forever to order it, the headstone needs to be there, just really bugs that were still waiting.

they were really polite on the phone, apologized for it not being there and taking so long. wanted me to know they are thinking of me and care for me...

i hate people. ive never really been much of a people person, but throughout the passed couple years ive started to hate people even more, especially selfish inconsiderate rude people. {who seem to surround me}

more drama in my life is the LAST thing i need. so i quit. i am done {i know ive said it before, but its for real this time} i will NOT expect anything from these people, and will be glad jason warned me they would be this way{even tho part of me didnt believe him, and gave them a chance}, and glad that jason is keeping his promise, with not leaving me alone with them...
the 8th was our anniversary...3 years ago, i married my best friend, nervous to start our lives together but more so excited for it to begin...never would have imagined id be a widow by the 3rd one... that wasnt supposed to happen for a LONG time {if ever.}

i didnt want to be alone that i kept myself busy... i had to get some papers notorized so i went over to the courthouse in malad, and then went to the dr {hadnt been feeling well for a long time} spent about 4 hours there {natural dr that jason went to..we talked a lot} on the way back to my parents i got a friggin speeding ticket!! {first one EVER}. i tried and succeeded on keeping busy that day...

the past week ive been in arizona...went to visit my cousin, and get away for a while. luckily my aunt chris was driving down so i had a ride. it was nice to get away, great to see timari, and all our arizona friends {well most of them} it was great to get away, but definitely nice to be home, ive missed frankie...

 hoping to go again in october to go to the baby shower n finish getting the nursery ready {we painted it this time, well most of it}

Monday, August 8, 2011

went out for a friends bday saturday was great fun. once we got past the awkward moment of "girl i dont know" asking me where my husband was....i just asked for someone else to take it...n they did {thank you} i wear my ring, i should be prepared to answer these questions. but i am not.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

i was listening to an old cd that jason had made for me....great memories, lots of tears...

especially with this song...

we hadnt been dating for very long when he played this song for me...

it was perfect...

is perfect...

i love this song...

always will ♥♥♥

Sunday, July 31, 2011

my grandpa passed away monday night {25} he was diagnosed with adenocarcinoma about a week before. its hard to believe he is gone :( i was there when he passed. a few hours before, he told me that jason loved me, which made me know jason was there...

this year has completely sucked. my funeral dress is getting way too much usage. i hate it.

hopefully things can/will calm down, i need time to relax, get control of my life...{or at least try}

with grandpa in hawaii, at pearl harbor
today was Jason's birthday, i started having issues last night while reading the comments on his FB wishing him a happy bday...but overall i think i did pretty good with the day...{the next week will be hard/er}

we had his party at the cemetery, had a pretty good time, didtn start crying until i was writing wesleys message for jason on a balloon...then i lost it, gained control, lost it again...

we let go 23 balloons, Jason would be 23 today...we all wrote a message on them...n let them go at the end of happy birthday. there wasnt a dry eye by the end of happy birthday, i didnt make it thru happy...

 all the balloons
 reubens message to Jason!
 timari n family message
{everyone wrote a message, i just got pix of these for timari, since she couldnt be there...}

 me with our balloon balloon
{me n frankie}
 letting our balloons go

ritz from timari ♥

Saturday, July 23, 2011

okay birthday bash update {lame name, oh well} it will be saturday the 30 {jasons bday} balloon release, 23 balloons, cake n ice cream, all at the cemetery...starting between 6-630.

please let me know if you plan on coming so we get enough cake n ice cream :)
Jason's phone is officially off. its a bittersweet moment. I dont know why it was such a hard thing to do, but its done. well sorta in a way...i wasnt going to pay the 200 to shut off the line, so my brother in law took over the line, and will be paying, so yay for help paying the bill!

Thursday, July 21, 2011

i hate bill collectors. ALL of them. but ones from IHC seem to be the worst, altho i havent heard from the University yet, they may end up being worse... those of you who know me personally know my financial situation...and the rest of you can guess {im sure you get it right!}

IHC called a few days ago, about an outstanding balance from one of our many ER visits....i dont have the money to pay it. but they will not accept that. the girl was very RUDE, when i told her Jason had passed, her response "i know." if we would have been face to face i would have slapped her. after telling her again, there is no way i can afford to pay the balance, her telling me we need to get this taken care of she agreed to send me financial aid papers, which im sure once filled out they will write off the balance, but she doesnt have to be so rude. people really need to be taught customer service, especially with the situation...

Logan radiology called earlier today, the dude on the phone was as nice as could be! asked for Jason, when i told him he had passed away in april, he apologized for the situation, then asked if there was anything left from the trust, there was no trust, since jason was sick at such a young age. okay ill see what i can do about the balance, again i am sorry, have a good day. thank you!!
why cant all people i have to deal with be like this dude?! i would answer the phone a lot more if they were....

Sunday, July 17, 2011

“If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together... there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… I’ll always be with you.”

i needed this today...the past few days have been hard, very hard... everyone keeps trying to give me advice, i know they just want to help but its hard to take their advice when they have no clue what i am going thru. i feel like they are all just telling me to hurry it up and get on with my life...

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Friday, July 15, 2011

a picture is worth a thousand words...but if you saw one of me today you would only need 2....

bad night.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Jason's birthday is at the end of the month {30} and i want to do something. as of right now, im planning a balloon release and cake n ice cream up at the cemetery....just unsure of the time, dont want it to be in the middle of the day, n not too early so probably early evening :)

so this is your invite if you want to come, but let me know so we have enough stuff for everyone....
goodbye dear car...
had some good times with you, our road trip to cali, for the cruise, and our numerous trips to SLC, then Twin....not all the trips were good, but thankfully you were extremely reliable, and much cheaper in gas than the hummer....but sadly i cannot afford you, so you must go...
its official {well close enough} i am in between vehicles...luckily Jason's truck is paid off, sadly i have to wait for the oil leak to be hopefully within a few days, i will have something to drive.

My brother's wedding was Saturday {9} it was a nice day, i was worried about how i would make it thru the day with my sanity, but you would all be proud that i did. i spent most of the day outside...{it was an outside wedding then moved inside for the open house} then the end of the night came and i lost it...hard core...
 flowers for the loved ones who couldnt be there...
me n my men, i could seriously {and do}spend all day with these two...they keep me going...

i seriously have the BEST neighbors. ever. they keep my lawn mowed ♥  and im sure they will like the fact that my sprinklers are now FIXED!!! {this pic was taken a couple weeks ago, my grass is pretty brown now}

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

sprinklers are broken worse than we thought.

and i need new tires.


but on a good note, i had a great 4th of July weekend, at my friends house ♥

and the headstone artwork has been approved.

Monday, July 4, 2011

sprinklers are of the devil.

i went home, to get my sprinklers started so my yard wouldn't die {luckily i have the best neighbors ever n they mow my lawn ♥} well we have a sprinkler system. n i have NO clue how to work them. Jason did all that. so after trying for about 30 minutes, and realizing that i was flooding the side of my house, i gave up. total breakdown in the basement turning the water off. while waiting for my dad to get there to see if he could figure them out i saw Gabe. {Gabe is the one who will get me thru all that mechanical Man work for the house, and my dad of course} he came over to teach me how to use them. where we found out a pipe was broke. EFF, who do i call to fix that? Jason fixed one last year. maybe my dad can do it. tears welling up in my eyes, my lip shivering. he replied, dont worry, i can fix it tomorrow before i go to work, and then next time your here i can show you how to program them. thank you Gabe ♥

Friday, July 1, 2011

i hate holidays. not that we ever did much on holidays, but we did it together. last year we had a full schedule, i hardly remember the summer, i do remember what we did for the 4th, we spent the 2nd with jasons family, with Geniel from Arizona, then came out for the fireworks in snowville with my family the 3rd {or whatever days were celebrated last year} and now, im out with my family, which is great, except for the giant gaping hole where jason would be, so i hate holidays, and every other day for that matter...
i miss jason.

tonight is a bad night.

ive never felt more alone/scared in my life.

i try to calm myself down,

then full on panic attack comes.

i dont want drugs.

i just want jason.

he could fix everything.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

lately the little time i listen to the radio its always the same song{s} playing over and over, which is understandable for the radio, but some are older songs, and maybe i just never noticed them before, but i do now. 

-im declaring this OUR song, we never talked much about "our" song, but this fits us. perfectly.

i love hearing what songs remind people of me n Jason {Jason n I?}. i used to listen to the radio ALL the time, but not so much anymore. so i appreciate peoples thoughts.

-thanks Jessie ♥

-thanks Mattie ♥

im sure theres more, but i cant think of any right now, im not feeling well, so hopefully they will come to me soon.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

the headstone has been ordered.

still no word on if people are going to help me.

{thank goodness for credit cards}

jason told me they would be this way.

i have the best husband/guardian angel ever.

i have the best family/friends ever.

i won a contest on a blog today.

i never win.

pretty excited!

i still wear my wedding ring ♥.

cant imagine not wearing it.

i did my nails, acrylic n all. 

a year ago i couldnt even paint my own nails.

im going to learn to crochet/knit.

i want to open an etsy shop.

need to get crafty to have stuff to sell in my etsy shop.

my mom is going to teach me to sew.

hopefully soon.

i love seeing things in groups of 3.

im eating healthy again.

starting tomorrow.

Lifehouse - Broken

Monday, June 20, 2011

i went to breakfast with my parents this morning, while there we ran into a little old lady we know, and have known FOREVER.

i couldnt tell you the last time i saw her. she came up to me hugged me and told me she was sorry.

told me how she had lost her husband 7 years ago in a tractor accident, and one of the worst things people told her was, know he is in a better place.

"i dont care if he is in a better place, i know he doesnt want to be there, he wants to be here with me."

thank you Josie ♥ for understanding.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

i spend a lot of time with my nephews, they keep me occupied, keep my mind from wandering...

we were driving back to my moms when they started to tell me how old people die.

people grow up, get old, and die. thats what happens.

so i asked what about people who die young? people who dont get to live long lives? {im crying at this point}

people only die when they are old. {i wish.}

what about Jason?

well people die old, unless they are really sick, with Melanoma stage 4. i miss jason.

i know dude, i do too.

they were around for everything, the great, good, ok, bad and just awful. we didnt sugar coat things with them, they knew what was going on and was here next to jason when he passed away...

im jealous that they love life so much.

Monday, June 13, 2011

i often{daily} catch myself waiting....waiting for jason to walk thru the door, down the hall, pull up in the car..waiting for him to come back to me.

i hate myself for this, i hate that i cant wrap my head around reality, around what my life has become.

 i hate that i have to start over, without him, without my best friend, soul mate, my other half, my man flesh.

i hate having to make decisions on my own, not that jason was much better at it, but i need his input on what i am supposed to do now...

i hate facing people, i hate the looks, and reactions i get from people when i enter a room, its as if i am diseased, they all run.

     {i havent decided if i prefer them to think im diseased, or tell/ask me stupid stuff}

i hate nights the most, when its time to tell him about my day, kiss him goodnight, and smuggle up.

i hate that my superman is gone, i hate that THIS is my reality...

Thursday, June 9, 2011

we chopped off 15 inches of courtneys {sister} hair, on Monday. and are donating/sending it to Pantene Beautiful Lengths, in Jason's name. 
Jason and i donated our hair May 2010, and chose to send it to Pantene instead of Locks of Love, because Pantene donates their wigs, where as Locks of Love sells theres. after donating our hair, my younger sister donated hers, cousins daughter, friend, and now my older sister, all in Jason's name. 

Jason was very proud of himself for growing his hair out long enough to donate, and planned on doing it here on out {growing, cutting/donating, repeat} and since he no longer can, were doing it for him ♥

Wednesday, June 8, 2011


Have you ever watched kids
On a merry-go-round?

Or listened to the rain
Slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.
The music won't last.

Do you run through each day
On the fly?

When you ask 'How are you?'
Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done
Do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
Running through your head?

You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.
The music won't last.

Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow?
And in your haste,
Not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
Cause you never had time
To call and say,'Hi'

You'd better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.
The music won't last..

When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry
through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....
Thrown away.

Life is not a race.
Do take it slower

Hear the music
Before the song is over.

This poem was written by a young teenage girl dying from cancer and her last wish was to pass this poem on to as many people as possible to send the message to live life to the fullest!

Monday, June 6, 2011

i was hoping today just wouldnt come. im probably the ONLY person that was hoping the end of the world really was the 21. {altho i feel my world ended april 6} but today came, and i have to face it. i was hoping i could just go throughout the day and not realize what the day was {since the day came} but i couldnt.

today, baby Schenk was due. we were so excited, jason was so excited, he told everyone {even after agreeing to wait until after the first dr appointment{okay i told a few too!}} which made it even harder after finding out we had lost it. i really thought i was going to be able to just put it in the back of my head and not think about it, at least not today. but the hospital {being as smart as they are} called me about a week ago to register me for my maternity stay. the day we found out we had lost the baby was one of the worst days ever, along with days to follow. They were more bearable with jason there to help/hold me thru them. to make today even worse Jason is gone. not here to hold me thru out the pain/tears. He has been gone 2 months and i cant even imagine how ive made it this long by myself. it feels like time has completely stopped.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

today is our engagement anniversary. i remember the day like it was wasnt anything too special, but it was perfect. perfect for us. 3 years ago today, i knew without a doubt we would spend forever together...and i found out how well he was at picking out jewelry!

i wish things felt as if they were getting easier. im so lost, i hate being here without jason. i would do anything for him to be here with me. its all so unbelievable, still.

we had spent the day in idaho with my family. i had gone over to my sisters house to see her new flooring in the bathroom, and jason had stayed at my parents {wasnt sure why} come to find out he was asking my dads permission, in a room full of people! and of course my dad said no. {everything is a joke in my family} after talking to my parents {and everyone else in the room} they wanted to see the ring, and jason being as sneaky as he was had hid the ring in MY CAR under MY SEAT for like a week, waiting for the right time to needless to say my entire family saw the ring before me. {i had no idea}

we had gotten back to logan late, but had to go back because i had work in the morning. i was taking stuff into my apartment then had to pee really bad, i came out of the bathroom and jason was writing something on my body mirror {which i didnt think much of cause he was always writing me love notes} i was on my way back out to the car to get stuff, and he stopped me in the living room. got down on one knee, and had this big long speech {that he butchered} but it was perfect. told me he loved me needed me wanted to spend forever with me...and i said yes!♥ cried a little, took a pic and sent it to EVERYBODY.

i {we were} was so excited for everything, our lives to begin, my ring! that fact that he surprised me, we had talked about what we wanted our lives to be like, but never really said much about it being with each other, it was just a known thing we didnt have to talk about it, we knew we wanted to spend forever with each other. i think i got about an hour of sleep that night, but i was excited to go to work to show off my ring to all my girls n my gmas!

i still have the mirror, and everything written on it {ill take a pic next time im home} he spelled committed wrong, and i love it. i caught him trying to fix it one day, n told him he couldn't because it was perfect the way it was. {he says he spelled it wrong because he was trying to hurry} we always joked about being forever commited. my ring is engraved with forever commited {his love you forever my superman}

Thursday, May 26, 2011

i wA

i was asked today if i am feeling better...the only thing going thru my mind at the time not sick, ive lost my husband, my whole world has fallen apart. and no i am not feeling better.

{i answered with, well im here wouldnt say im doing better}

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

ive been trying to decide what to put on Jason's headstone...i feel bad that i havent gotten it ordered yet...but when i try to think about what to put on it, i go blank {sadly my brain doesnt shut off} but i go blank, i have no idea. what do you put on a 22 year olds headstone?... i know what he loves{d} {me, frankie, his motorcycle, hiking, camping} but what do i put on it, i get so overwhelmed when trying to decide/come up with what to put on it {not to mention being able to pay for it, but thats a different story all together}

so it hasnt been ordered, and wont be until i can stop n actually come up with SOMETHING to put on it. when i feel good and ready it will be ordered...until then i will keep putting what i find i do like up at the cemetery...

Monday, May 23, 2011

today is going to be a bad day...i can feel it...thinking a lot about what were going to miss out on in life...i cant even imagine doing things that jason n i planned with someone else...i cant imagine someone else in my life..ever.

granted we experienced so much that a lot of people wont face in their lifetime...not all good. we had the most amazing bond ever, but it should have been for many more years... Jason is my best friend, i could/would tell him everything, we didnt hold stuff back with each other, we always knew what the other was thinking {i was constantly asking jason what he was thinking, he made fun of me for it all the time.} i always knew he would be there for me no matter what, he would hold me when i cried, listen to rant n rave about whatever had upset me, laugh at me when appropriate {even some inapropriate times} we could joke about everything {even his cancer, people got extremely butt hurt by it} we lived our lives to the fullest...

and now i dont know how so lost to even know where to begin...

Saturday, May 21, 2011

i hate being left to make big decisions on my own...i over think everything, and usually end up having some regret with the choice i end up making...



Thursday, May 19, 2011

i took this from a not big on taking posts from other blogs. everything i write is me, from me. but this is perfect. word for word perfect. i tried to change it to sound like me but i couldnt, didnt feel right to change it. feels as if it was taken out of a dictionary, shouldnt be changed, its the definition of what to do/how to help.

"How You Can Help Me"
Please talk about my loved one, even though he is gone. It is more comforting to cry than to pretend that he never existed. I need to talk about him, and I need to do it over and over.

Be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get comfortable with my crying. Sadness hits me in waves, and I never know when my tears may flow. Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand.

Don't abandon me with the excuse that you don't want to upset me. You can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you to know that."

Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I feel only if you really have time to find out.

I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don't see me. I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. My grieving may only begin 6 months after my loved one's death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For I am not only grieving his death, but also the person I was when I was with him, the life that we shared, the plans we had for our children, the places we will never get to go together, and the hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has crumbled and I will never be the same.

I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. He is a part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear. Both are okay.

I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just not acceptable. When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel badly enough that my loved one is dead, so please don't make it worse by telling me I'm not doing this right. And remember, I was a capable adult before his death and I still am.

Please don't tell me I can find someone else or that I need to start dating again. I may not be ready. And maybe I don't want to be. And besides, what makes you think people are replaceable? They aren't. Whoever comes after will always be someone different.

I don't even understand what you mean when you say, "You've got to get on with your life." My life is going on, I've been forced to take on many new responsibilities and roles. It may not look the way you think it should. This will take time and I will never be my old self again. So please, just love me as I am today, and know that with your love and support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget and there will always be times that I cry.

I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your hugs. I need you just to be with me, and I need to be with you. I need to know you believe in me and in my ability to get through my grief in my own way, and in my own time.

Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you some ideas:

(a) Bring food or a movie over to watch together.

(b) Send me a card on special holidays, our wedding anniversary, his birthday, and the anniversary of his death, and be sure to mention his name. You can't make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach out on this difficult day.

(c) Ask me more than once to join you at a movie or lunch or dinner. I may say no at first or even for a while, but please don't give up on me because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you've given up then I really will be alone.

(d) Understand how difficult it is for me to be surrounded by couples, to walk into events alone, to feel out of place in the same situations where I used to feel so comfortable.

Please don't judge me now - or think that I'm behaving strangely. Remember I'm grieving. I may even be in shock. I am afraid. I may feel deep rage. I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I'm experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before and one that can't be imagined by anyone who has not walked in my shoes.

Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please don't tell me you know how I feel, or that it's time for me to get on with my life. What I need now is time to grieve. Most of all thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience.

Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding.

And remember in the days or years ahead, after your loss - when you need me as I have needed you - I will understand. And then I will come and be with you.

--Author Unknown

see, perfect. no need to change it.

{still feel a little weird not changing it}

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

the numbness is gone...completely. i want it back. i want jason back. need jason back.

since the numb feeling has left, i...

cry myself to sleep. every night.

cant drive anywhere alone without having to park on the side of the road because i cant see im crying so hard.

randomly start crying.

{spend a lot of time crying.}

i have more anger towards the world.

feel less like i can handle life more and more each day.

wish to be with jason more and more each day.

miss jason more and more each day.

i dont sleep.

ive never felt more alone in my life.

i would do anything to have jason here with me.

i keep expecting things to get a little better, but they just keep getting worse...

our bad days/fights stick out more than our good days.

i just keep thinking of "what if's"

what if we did a different treatment?

what if he had chemo the first time he was sick?

what if they removed the tumor surgically in 09?

what if we had more time together?

what if we would have known about germany treatments in the beginning?

what if we would have gone natural in the beginning?

what if im never happy again?

what if i never come back?


why my hubby?

why so young?

why us?

why cancer?

why now?


how am i expected to go on?

how can i go on?

how am i supposed to live without jason?

what now?...

Tuesday, May 17, 2011


what if?

the questions of all questions.

i hate them.

they torment me.

never leave me alone.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

i hate bad days....n that seems to be all im having lately. i hate being alone. i hate knowing that jason cant come back. i hate that i cant shut my mind off. i hate that i over think everything and jason isnt here to tell me to stop. i hate everything. i hate being lost, and not knowing what im supposed to do now, or whats going to come.

i hate that our plans were ripped away from us. i hate that im left here alone, and i dont want to be. i dont want to be here. i cant even imagine going on without jason.

i hate that i lost my best friend. my world.

i have no regrets. we had a great relationship, perfect. wish we had more time together {like 50+ years}

i wish i could shut my mind off. i over think everything. every thought. every action. EVERYTHING. and i hate it.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

{another post on stupid shit people say}

'well it was expected' {jason's death}

well everyone is going to die. so isnt everyones death expected?

expected or not there is no way to prepare yourself for the physical and emotional pain you are going to experience.

and yes jasons death was expected {like everyone else} but it wasnt expected to happen as soon as it did. he was 22 years old. we expected at least 5 years...well thats a lie, honestly we expected our miracle to happen. we expected forever. and lived as if we were getting forever. {we still argued over stupid things, complained about everything and everyone, we traveled {for enjoyment} we still made plans. we lived our life.}

and expected or not. it doesnt hurt any less, and its not any easier to get over.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

i need a hobby.

{other than blogging all of my problems}
got a phone call today, from our first natural dr {we went to like 4} they called to see how jason was doing. i had told myself today was going to be a good day, at least better than the last few. until i got the phone call. it was all i could do not to hang the phone up. i couldnt even get out, 'he passed away last month' without hysterically crying...

maybe tomorrow will be a better day....

people are stupid. {not the video} the people commenting. they all have the "it wont happen to me" attitude...good luck with that.

people need to be taught more on the subject.

Monday, May 9, 2011

we planted grass on jason's grave a couple days ago...havent ordered the headstone of these days i will...took lights, and a wind chime to the cemetery...finally got his cologne back...havent made it home yet, i keep thinking that im going to make it there, but im too scared to...when i am at home i am surrounded by jason, without him. i feel jason with me everyday, therefor i do not feel i have to go to the cemetery everyday, and at the cemetery i dont feel any closer to him...but i like to go...usually take my nephews to the cemetery with me...they were there thru all of jason's illness, the good and the bad. they make me cry. a lot. by telling me they miss jason, asking if we can unbury him, telling me we need to take jason's mug to him, so if he gets sick again he can get better. i cant explain to them where he is, i cant get any words out. they are probably the smartest 3 n 4 year olds ever. and the most caring. they are constantly asking me if im ok {im not} Frankie is certain he knows jason is around. we constantly catch him staring up at the ceiling at 'nothing'. took him to the cemetery, he stuck around jason's grave most of the time we were there...

i hate nights. when im alone, with my thoughts. its the worst time of the day. i dont know how im supposed to go on with my life. jason was my life.

im surprised by how many people have 'left' my life since jason's passing. doesnt surprise me, jason told me it would be this way. everything he said would happen, has...its probably for the best.

i miss jason.

my world is a mess right now.

i still have my death wish.

i miss his voice.

his hugs.




everything about him. i miss.

nights are harder than days.

i miss my husband.

i miss OUR life.

i dont know where to begin on starting over.

i dont want to start over.

i try not to think i 'need him back'.

i know he cant come back.

but i really want/need him back.

want to be with him.

i dont think it will ever get easier.

i dont think i will ever learn to 'live with it'.

i dont understand why it had to be him.

why we had to be the strong ones.

why i have to be alone now.

why did he have to go.

i question ALL of my decisions.

i cant make decisions.

i cant sleep.

theres so many things we wanted to do.

we had so many plans.

im scared.

of what life may bring.

to be alone.

choices i have to make.

to live life without jason.

i dont know how im expected to get back into life.

how im expected to go back to work.




my life ended when jason's did.

but im stuck here.

without him.

completely lost.

and hating it.

i do not want to be here.

not alone.

not without jason.