Tuesday, April 10, 2012

its been a year...a WHOLE year. and somehow i have survived. i honestly dont know how, especially through the first few months...

in the last 12 months i have,

been to the deepest parts of living hell. where all i wanted was out. i had a death wish but couldnt fulfill it. i hated being alone, but hated being around people even more.

stepped out of my comfort zone.

had a slight alcohol problem.

i sold our car. went carless for a while, but really what did i need a car for? i didnt do anything or go anywhere.

i became even closer with the nephews ♥

i became an expert at pretending i was ok, and making people believe that i was. i almost convinced myself.

i bought a car, and sold it...a couple days ago.

got to travel to arizona and spend time with people i love. a couple times.

ive become a happier person...well maybe not happier but i dont complain HALF as much as i used to, after seeing everything that Jason went through without complaining, i feel everything i complain about is a waste...

i still have yet to learn how to deal with people and their stupidity. but walking away seems to work most of the time.

i went back to work...

put my 2 weeks in yesterday.

ive met new amazing people, who support me in any decision, and have become great friends. {even if its just on fb}

ive met someone, and im happy {yes i know u all know.} but i am in a place where i NEVER expected to be again, i honestly thought i would be a crazy cat lady...but with frankies!
                       Jacob n i started talking in July, i know soon...but he became the person i vented to, the                 person i could tell all my worries n thoughts to without worrying about being judged...n it just moved forward from there...

ive lived alone for the past like 5 months? {whenever i finally moved back home} and now im moving out. the house is rented out and i have to be out by the first of may, well more like the last of april.  i have no plans/idea on where im going to live, but i know im going to be ok. im sure ill freak out a little more once im back from my amazing summer roadtrip that i am so excited to start!

ive dealt with more drama in the last year, than most have to in their lifetime. but ive made it thru. i have gained new people in my life and lost quite a few as well...but it is what it is, and i am a stronger person for it. along with a much simpler life.

ive become a much healthier person, {down 30 pounds{sickening i could lose that much}} i feel so much better than i did before, not to mention look a lot better! {except my boobs arent half of what they used to be lol}

im slowly becoming an outdoors person...ive been camping twice now, and loved it.
        i even peed outside this last time!!! {BIG step for me!!}

trying to explain my situation hasnt gotten any easier, people ask if im married i find it easier to just say no {obviously} but i almost feel as if im lying...i know most believe im divorced, so when they ask why i got divorced i have to tell the story...then i get the "look" like omg what did i just get myself into. seriously tho, the look sucks...

but what sucks even more is the judgement eyes, when i tell people i have a boyfriend...yes people i can see you judging me! just people happy that i am happy...please.

im sure there is a lot more that i have done/learned in the past year, n i know this post is all over the place but so are my thoughts on writing it...

i am so grateful to have had Jason in my life, he is the most amazing person i will ever know. we had our fairytale, and he taught me what true love is...a long with many people in our lives. im still told today by people that they dont have what we had and know they never will. i am so grateful to have that, our fairtale, our few years together will forever change me and help me grow into a stronger and better person. i am truly amazed everyday with what i am capable of, where i am at and who i am becoming and i have Jason to thank for that{along with others}, for helping me thru life, i know he will ALWAYS be a part of me, no matter where i end up. i am so blessed to have met Jason, blessed to have been set up and finally agree to that blind date ♥ i still get so mad at the time we were cheated, all the plans we had that will never be fulfilled,  but i know what we had/have is amazing and i will cherish it forever, all the memories good and bad will always be a part of me.

i have grown so much in the past year, i am more independent. care a lot less of what people think of me, and i am working on writing my story, one page/day at a time.

im so excited to be starting fresh, i think it will be great for me, definitely needed. i lived in the house for a year, the year i said that i would because Jason was amazing n had enough saved up for me to live here, now its time for me to take care of myself. to get out of my comfort zone even more, be independent and take the bull by the horns. im super nervous, ive never been one to like change, but i NEED a change, and am ready for it.