How far along? 26 n 27 weeks
Total weight gain/loss:18 lbs
Maternity clothes? finalyl broke down and bought a pair of maternity pants for work...still deciding if i like them...
Stretch marks? No, doing everything to prevent them.
Sleep: sleep has been pretty good...except having to wake up to pee...or waking up with a super bad back ache :(
Best moment this week: every time we feel her move. bought a super cute rocking chair...that i LOVE!just need to find the time to fix it up...need to paint it n upholster it, have to find some cute bright material...any advice on where to look is appreciated!
Have you told family and friends: yup!
Miss Anything?clothes fitting
Movement: lots blueberry is all over the place! she goes crazy when i play music for her, and when jake talks..
Food cravings:coffee.
Anything making you queasy or sick: nope
Have you started to show yet: yup
Gender prediction: 
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? its getting to be pretty flat
Wedding rings on or off? 
Happy or Moody most of the time: id say happy...but it doesnt take much to annoy me lately 
Looking forward to: nothing sticks out too much..guess just getting things for the blueberry, and maybe coming up with a name for her....

well had another appointment last week...checking up on me after my antibiotic finished...super annoyed to find out it DIDNT DO ANYTHING FOR ME!!! ugh!!! so now were going the natural route...and started feeling better the first day! have another check up today so hopefully things are looking better, im definitely feeling better...except for being exhausted all the time....work is going great. this semester is coming to an end for Jacob, which is great...just have to make it thru this week and he is done for a few...

27 weeks

our adorable rocking chair! thank you DI!

ok im late..i know...but its been  a busy week! 

How far along? 24 n 25 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss:17.5 lbs
Maternity clothes? definitely needing some soon...works pants are getting a little snug!
Stretch marks? No, doing everything to prevent them.
Sleep: my legs have been bugging me super bad lately so i feel like i havent gotten a good nights sleep in a while :( but i started taking magnesium and calcium, so lets hope it helps!
Best moment this week: thanksgiving! {last week...i LOVE thanksgiving} our appt today love hearing her heartbeat
Have you told family and friends: yup!
Miss Anything?clothes fitting
Movement: lots blueberry is all over the place! she goes crazy when i play music for her, and when jake talks..
Food cravings:chicken pot pie
Anything making you queasy or sick: 
Have you started to show yet: yup
Gender prediction: 
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In, i have a deep belly button, so ill be surprised if pokes out
Wedding rings on or off? 
Happy or Moody most of the time: id say happy...but it doesnt take much to annoy me lately 
Looking forward to: getting our carseat cover  n other blueberry goods :)

we got our car seat n stroller!! black friday came thru for us! we bought the stroller n got the car seat for free!! had our appointment today, 2nd time in group...this time was better than last...but we did miss the majority of it since we were with my midwife :). had my glucose test today...ugh. that was rough. i chose to eat hershey bats instead of drinking the drink...bad idea...i was so sick :( hopefully we get the results back soon...im not really worried a bout them coming back positive, but its nice to know for certain.  i have a bacterial infection, so i had to start an antibiotic today along with some probiotics...hopefully all is better in a week. 

25 weeks

week 23

How far along? 23 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss:unsure
Maternity clothes? couple shirts, but still in my pants. {and can do them up!} work pants will definitely need to be replaced sooner than later.
Stretch marks? No, doing everything to prevent them.
Sleep: my legs have been bugging me super bad lately so i feel like i havent gotten a good nights sleep in a while :(
Best moment this week: all the moments of feeling miss blueberry.
Have you told family and friends: yup!
Miss Anything? how i used to always be cold...now im always roasting..it sucks.
Movement: lots blueberry is all over the place! she goes crazy when i play music for her, and when jake talks..
Food cravings: havent had any in a while
Anything making you queasy or sick: 
Have you started to show yet: yup
Gender prediction: 
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In, i have a deep belly button, so ill be surprised if pokes out
Wedding rings on or off? 
Happy or Moody most of the time: was super annoyed and angry for a while...but better now :)
Looking forward to:

cant believe how fast the pregnancy is going...i am constantly feeling like i should be doing something to get prepared but really have no clue!! we have been stocking up on diapers, and random things we see that we like while out shopping :) were hoping for an awesome sale on the car seat and stroller we want sometime soon...hopefully black friday comes thru for us :)

week 22

How far along? 22 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: 13 lbs ish
Maternity clothes? couple shirts, but still in my pants. {and can do them up!}
Stretch marks? No, doing everything to prevent them.
Sleep: pregnancy pillow-BEST invention ever!! i tend to wake up with an awful pain in my side...so i get up pee {fart} and im golden! luckily if i get up during the night its only ever once :)
Best moment this week: cant pick one, just everytime i feel miss blueberry moving, i absolutely love it!
Have you told family and friends: yup!
Miss Anything? nope. i am content...until my mind wont shut off...
Movement: lots blueberry is all over the place! she moves around so much when jake talks, its amazing.
Food cravings: pancake from Mollies, with red syrup lol {still need to fill this craving}
Anything making you queasy or sick: gallbladder gave me some issues...but i did eat some fried food this week and drank soda so its my own fault...
Have you started to show yet: yes,! someone at work asked me when i was due! crazy!! 
Gender prediction:
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In, i have a super deep belly button, so i will be surprised if it becomes an outtie.
Wedding rings on or off? 
Happy or Moody most of the time: ive been having issues getting my mind to stop for a little bit, so ive been pretty moody and shut off for the past few days.
Looking forward to: i dont think there is anything too special planned this week {especially since im writing this RIGHT before i do week 23} so just feel miss blueberry everyday ♥

were going pictureless this week..sorry, give me a couple days and ill get the week 23 up :)

nothing too exciting happened this week, just working away :) 
                i had to work halloween so i had to dress up {ugh} i just got wings and antennas  i was a lady bug :) i got so many compliments, it was great lol i also got a love note and some dudes number...along with compliments on my wings while walking to the bathroom...gotta love it! 22 weeks prego and i still got it! haha

Jake is super busy with school, working hard on making sure next semester is his last!

week 21

How far along? 21 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: 12 lbs as of my appointment Tuesday, and i was wearing boots, so im saying more like 10-11
Maternity clothes? couple shirts, but still in my pants. {and can do them up!}
Stretch marks? No, doing everything to prevent them.
Sleep: pregnancy pillow-BEST invention ever!! havent been sleepin the best lately...it SUCKS!!
Best moment this week: Jake feeling the blueberry moving around {first time sunday {21} night} she has been moving around so much lately! i love it1
Have you told family and friends: yup!
Miss Anything? how i used to always be cold...now im always roasting..it sucks.
Movement: lots blueberry is all over the place! she really enjoyed the halloween concert we went to!
Food cravings: pancake from Mollies, with red syrup lol
Anything making you queasy or sick: nope it was a good week!
Have you started to show yet: yes, some days i just feel chunky and not prego tho...girls at work informed me this week that the most pregnant thing about me is my boobs lol im told that im tiny for being as far along as i am...
Gender prediction: 
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? 
Happy or Moody most of the time: Ive been super annoyed the past few days, and have no clue why....
Looking forward to: looking more prego, and actually starting to exercise and be healthier

We had our first "Group" experience this week...going to a birth center instead of a hospital they have group we go to instead of just scheduling a regular appointment {our appointment is during group} but we go with 4 other moms/couples...all at least 4 weeks behind us. I thought I'd really enjoy group...but idk yet, i figured the people at group would be a lot like us..they AREN'T!!! and i feel like we spent way more time than necessary talking about gestational Diabetes {which i get tested for next month} oh well, we are going to keep going, learning new things {hopefully} and hoping to start liking the people were in group with :)  were hoping to start a birthing class soon too...ugh! trying to find time for everything is so hard! between work, school, and wanting to spend time relaxing now we have to fit in birthing classes... hopefully we find one that works out great for our schedules, i feel we would really benefit from one! {were wanting to do the hypno birthing class}

Work has been going really well, lately ive been getting 40 hours, which is great...except i am exhausted by the end of the week! {i was hired for 20 hours}

21 weeks and 5 days

{i know im late doing this post}

20 weeks

How far along? 20 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: unsure...more than i want to know im sure.
Maternity clothes? still in my regular pants, did buy a couple maternity shirts from ross tho, they were too cute to pass up ;)
Stretch marks? No, doing everything to prevent them.
Sleep: pregnancy pillow-BEST invention ever!!
Best moment this week: finding out the gender of our blueberry
Have you told family and friends: yup!
Miss Anything? my will power of being healthy, i am trying to be better, but have yet to be as good as i once was...
Movement: lots blueberry is all over the place!
Food cravings: dont really have any this week.
Anything making you queasy or sick:just my gallbladder
Have you started to show yet: yes, some days i feel much more pregnant that others!
Gender prediction: 
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? 
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy! but somedays i get super annoyed.
Looking forward to: looking more prego, and actually starting to exercise and be healthier

Well we had our ultrasound on the 16! I started the pregnancy out thinking boy, Jake thought girl. then we both kind of stopped thinking anything and figured it is what it is and we will have to wait! the night before the ultrasound i had a dream {FINALLY mothers intuition kicking in...only took 20 weeks!} that the ultrasound person told us it was a girl....well needless to say {cause im sure most of you saw on FB} but we have a healthy perfect in every way baby GIRL!!! were both super excited! and have already bought some pink things {shoes, i love little shoes and knew that would be the first thing i bought!} Now we have to come up with some names we both like...n that is seeming to be quite difficult...luckily we have some time to decide...

How far along? 19 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: idk, ill find out tuesday 
Maternity clothes? nope, but i did just order a belly band to make my work pants last a little longer, im down to only being able to do up 1 clip {theres 3}
Stretch marks? No...doing everything i can to prevent them!
Sleep: dont feel like i get enough sleep, last week was rough with 4 tens in a row, but this week will be better :)
Best moment this week: feeling blueberry move as much as i do.
Have you told family and friends: yup
Miss Anything? not this week...
Movement: yup
Food cravings:  this week i was really wanting little ceasers pizza...and anything pumpkin.
Anything making you queasy or sick: not that i can think of.
Have you started to show yet: a little not much
Gender prediction: were thinking boy. but have been told its a girl by quite a few people. find out on Tuesday the 16th.
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? 
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy! but somedays i get super annoyed.
Looking forward to: Finding out the gender looking more pregnant, and buying things!

this week went by pretty quick...it was a super busy one with work and friends visiting from washington. Super excited for tuesday to come around so we can find out the gender, and start buying things! We have bought diapers and a pack n play {had a coupon, couldnt let it go to waste!}i joined Amazon mom and it is absolutely AMAZING! i recommend it to everyone! {n your first 3 months are free!}

ive been playing with the idea of writing a post about being a widow and dating...its not an easy task, for me or Jacob...theres so many thoughts on both sides about, well..everything and then some...things you would never imagine...ive had a post written...deleted...written..and well deleted again, none ever felt right, i didnt feel i was covering everything that needed to be covered. so i have done some blog stalking, and think i will be able finally get it written...

its obvious we have been dating a while now, along with starting our little family...but i dont feel ive gone into much detail with us, i know i dont need to, but the blog has always been so personal and lately not so much, so i may be heading back to the personal writing way too much that people may not care about blog...

Jake is amazing, to say the least...he knew how messed up my life was before starting to even talk to me, and then learned even more after we started talking when he became the person i vented to...and you all know i vented..a lot...about everything, and then some...i figured after my first novel long text venting session that would be the end of our talking..glad it wasnt!  He treats me so amazingly, he gets me out of my comfort zone {camping, summer road trip} he is kind, thinks of others, has a great sense of humor {altho he isnt as hilarious as i am...but really no one is!} his life has made him perfect for me, perfect for the time he came into my life...i know many of you think im crazy, and horrible for dating as early as i did...but it was the right timing for me...and thats what really matters.

now i truly believe that the timing was perfect for Jacob to come into my life, but it wasnt an easy transition...for either of us...so many thoughts go through your mind when your dating...now imagine what goes through your mind when you are dating a widow...dating someone who didnt want her relationship to end, someone who has said numerous times that her life was perfect, she had met her soulmate, that her husband was the most amazing person. ever. someone who constantly says she loves her husband and always will {someone who still calls him her husband, not late husband} Imagine trying to deal with the feelings of jealousy, the worry of not living up to the ghost of a husband, worry of being compared, the worry that your girlfriend will never love you as much as she loves her {late} husband, and not to mention trying to work your way into the new family who lost their son/brother in law..{now Jacob, has never come out and said these things to me...they are things i figure he is working thru/thinking about...frankly because i am..}

now its difficult for both sides, trying to decide if there is a good time to start dating, or to even consider dating is traumatizing after losing your loved one...i never expected to meet anyone again, especially not as soon as i met Jacob, i figured if i ever decided to date again it would be at least 5 years later..idk why i was set on 5, but 5 sounded like a good number, at the time...i remember always questioning myself if you can have more than one soul mate, i was lucky enough to find my soul mate at a young age...but finding him early he was taken early as well, and i knew i could never settle, i deserve the best. i had found true love and had tasted it, i love it,  it was/is amazing...theres no way i could settle for anything less that true love/a soul mate... there was a lot of anger in the beginning {and somedays during the pregnancy my mind gets away from me} overthinking about how could i be happy again, how could i move on {not that im over Jason, i will NEVER be over Jason} how could i keep living after Jason died...how could i tell another man i love him, without feeling some sort of guilt,  and now that i am pregnant, how could i have another mans baby, when i couldnt have Jason's. and sadly with all the negative that people have had to say to me, another big one was how am i going to tell people that im dating, i have a boyfriend, im in love, running away for the summer with him, moving in with him. and now starting a family with him...i know i shouldnt care what people have to say about me and my life choices, but the negative sticks, and makes you over think things...

right now i am amazing, i am happy, im in a place i never expected to be ever again...i am still surprised with how fast things moved between Jacob and i but i know it was perfect timing...perfect for me, perfect for us.

i honestly dont know if i have fully covered everything i have wanted to cover...i have yet to be satisfied with this post, but its a start, it gets some of the thoughts out there for those of you who have no clue...how traumatizing, hard, and scary the process of dating after becoming a widow is..along with how needed it was for me.

big news...

yes we have HUGE news. {those of you on FB already know} it took me a while to finally decide i was brave enough to announce it on fb, and the blog...ive had this post written for a couple weeks now, just never published...guess im scared of all the negative that may come...but im over being scared {for the most part} and super excited for all the positive changes happening..so here goes-
we ended our summer adventure with a new adventure already started, we left with 3 heartbeats and returned with 4 {had dawson with us} it was a BIG surprise, but we are super excited for our new adventure and whats to come. 

we are due March 6, 2013 {if our memory serves us correctly} we are going to a birthing center, and avoiding hospitals all together {for obvious reasons} i LOVE my midwife, she is such a hippie its amazing ;) we have a professional ultrasound at 20 weeks to measure and make sure all is great, tell us an "exact" due date, along with the gender :) 

now please, dont get all butt hurt that we didnt call and tell you personally, thats a lot of people to call, and explain things to. 

i got this off a friends blog, and thought it was a fun idea :)

How far along? 16 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: 4
Maternity clothes? nope, happy its getting cold, my shorts no longer fit!
Stretch marks? No
Sleep: dont feel i get enough, hard to get comfortable :( but i got steppys prego pillow and its AMAZING
Best moment this week: feeling blueberry move {i think}
Have you told family and friends: Yes! family is told, and most friends...the rest soon.
Miss Anything? my will power with dieting and exercising.
Movement: I swear I felt something this week!! Definitely not gas... potentially my imagination.
Food cravings:hot and spicy chicken sandwiches from mcdonalds
Anything making you queasy or sick: too much sugar gets to me
Have you started to show yet: looking chubby for sure
Gender prediction: were thinking boy. but have been told its a girl by quite a few people.
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? 
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy! but somedays i get super annoyed.
Looking forward to: Finding out the gender & starting to look more pregnant n not just chubby.


How far along? 17 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: 7.5
Maternity clothes? nope, still in my regular jeans n shirts
Stretch marks? No, and doing everything i can think of to prevent them
Sleep: im all about naps still, but its hard with the new job...im definitely finding out how to get comfortable quicker than before! {thanks to the AWESOME pillow}
Best moment this week: feeling blueberry move all over
Have you told family and friends: Yes! family is told, and most friends...the rest now...
Miss Anything? my will power with being healthier, luckily Jake is almost nazi like when it comes to fast food ;)
Movement: yup!
Food cravings:protein shakes, I finally ordered it yesterday, so hopefully i get it soon!
Anything making you queasy or sick: nope
Have you started to show yet: starting to look a lil more prego than chubby.
Gender prediction: were thinking boy. but have been told its a girl by quite a few people.
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? 
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy! but somedays i get super annoyed.
Looking forward to: Finding out the gender & starting to look more pregnant n not just chubby.


How far along? 18 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: 9 {i blame it on different clothing! and weighing at different times}
Maternity clothes? nope, starting to consider a belly band tho for a pair of work pants
Stretch marks? No!
Sleep: i LOVE sleep! ;)
Best moment this week: hearing the heartbeat, and scheduling our ultrasound for the 16! {now cross your fingers jake can get out of school to be there}
Have you told family and friends: Yes
Miss Anything?vodka...and redbull {i know ridiculous, but alcohol has sounded good this week, and did you know they make whipped cream with alcohol in it??!! how did i NOT know this!}
Movement:yes and i LOVE it, dont feel it as much now as in the beginning, since im in dress pants more than jeans..
Food cravings:pumpkin anything...
Anything making you queasy or sick: my gallbladder :( 
Have you started to show yet: i think so, my midwife says my uterus is higher than she would have thought, so maybe thats why im not showing as much as some do at this time {i really have no idea what my uterus being high means}
Gender prediction: were thinking boy. but have been told its a girl by quite a few people.
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? 
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy! but somedays i get super annoyed
Looking forward to: Finding out the gender of our blueberry!

{we refer to the baby as blueberry, since it was the size of a blueberry when we confirmed the pregnancy}

here i thought i was getting better about the blogging...i am trying...just some weeks are boring...n others are full of things im not sure i am ready to blog about...yet...give it time im sure ill get there :)

i got a job!! yay! at America First, i start training monday morning at 8 am {ugh.monday and tuesday are going to be the death of me...much too early n long for this gal!} so excited to be starting there, its only part time but it gets my foot in the door, and some money coming in for my bills.plus i have to go shopping for appropriate clothing! :) {business and i have to cover my tattoo}

dyl pickle {nephew} turned one, so i have been in Idaho all week. and left Jake home alone {he has school} but it was fun to be up there and see everybody. Got to have lunch with some great friends before coming home friday. Sadly i didnt get to see everybody i wanted to see but time just seems to escape.


I am officially selling Jason's truck. it will be a little difficult to part with, but i dont drive it, it jsut sits around, and someone should be enjoying it!

im so excited for the positive changes that are happening and some to come. life is great, Were both very excited for our lives together and whats to come.

well, all the applying is starting to have something to show! i had an interview today for a part time with a credit union in south salt lake, i think it went really well, was told if i dont hear anything within a week to call her and she will see whats up...so hopefully i hear from them...

if not i have back ups! ;)

waiting to hear from the assistant manager at ross, i spoke with the manager and she loves me so i feel that, that may be a shoe in {hopefully}

AND....

i have an interview with bed bath and beyond tomorrow :)

i have decided to avoid even looking for a CNA job...i need a break from healthcare to get my back back to normal for a 23 year old...i am in need for a change, an easy job {with benefits}one that is less emotionally draining...one that doesnt involve people passing on a regular...

so cross your fingers for me! :)

items for sale...

so, were trying to sell some things and i figure i might as well list some on here...just in case anyone that stalks me in interested! ;)

list of items for sale- weight bench $50. T-mobile phones blackberry $80, LG Optimus $150. Black and Decker white Toaster $15. box of miscellaneous kitchen supplies {red pots and pans {clear glass lids}, wok, slicer, thermal coffee mug with lid, apple slicer} $40. 8 ft Love sac $200. Love bird hand book $5. textbooks{used at uvu}-electrical systems {callanan Wusinich} $10. Statistics concepts and controversies {moore, nots} $50. managerial accounting fourteenth edition and financial accounting second edition $60 {for set} can meet at UVU monday thru thursday. alo have a 1994 chevy c/k 1500 truck $3000. all is OBO please only serious offers. {this truck is Jakes. but i am also looking into selling Jason's truck...it just sits and i know he would like someone to be able to enjoy it as much as he did..so if interested message me!}

im baaaaaack.

well its been a while...okay, more like forever...but i have been busy..living ♥
let me try to catch you up...

spent the summer living in a VW van, traveling up the west coast....mexico to canada! it was AMAZING i loved every minute of it! the coast is such a beautiful place. We left may 10, and rolled back into snowville July 27 {if i remember correctly}...just in time to visit Jason on his bday ♥ theres tons of picture documenting the trip...on FB...so if your not my friend add me...ive met many new people over fb because they tell me they read the blog.

after getting back we spent a couple days in snowville with my family then headed to SLC to find a place to live...took us a few days but we found a place moved in...well moved Jakes stuff in, mine was all still in Idaho in the trailer, luckily a friend brought it down to us :) then we were on a search for a vehicle...for me {i sold my car before the trip} I HATE searching for vehicles...they are all over priced and looked great online...then are a completely different vehicle when u show up in person!...but finally after looking high and low and everywhere in between i gave up. Jake found me a vehicle, lower than the price i expected to spend, in better condition/less miles than EVERYTHING we had previously looked at and i love it! {nissan xterra}

Now, well since we moved down here has been the search for jobs. Jake started school the 27th and had an interview at a ski resort...i sit at home :( applying for jobs ALL day...and baking...were going to be fattys before you know it! i swear i have applied for over 15 jobs...and have heard back from none! :( but ill just keep applying...someone has to hire me eventually right?! until then i am selling baked goods out of my apartment {from scratch, bread, cinnamon rolls, cookies, brownies...u name it ill bake it!}

some big changes had been made and more to come, but life is great, i am happier than i ever expected to be again...and cant wait for what life has a ahead...

ill try to be better about updating the blog...

its been a year...a WHOLE year. and somehow i have survived. i honestly dont know how, especially through the first few months...

in the last 12 months i have,

been to the deepest parts of living hell. where all i wanted was out. i had a death wish but couldnt fulfill it. i hated being alone, but hated being around people even more.

stepped out of my comfort zone.

had a slight alcohol problem.


i sold our car. went carless for a while, but really what did i need a car for? i didnt do anything or go anywhere.

i became even closer with the nephews ♥

i became an expert at pretending i was ok, and making people believe that i was. i almost convinced myself.

i bought a car, and sold it...a couple days ago.

got to travel to arizona and spend time with people i love. a couple times.

ive become a happier person...well maybe not happier but i dont complain HALF as much as i used to, after seeing everything that Jason went through without complaining, i feel everything i complain about is a waste...

i still have yet to learn how to deal with people and their stupidity. but walking away seems to work most of the time.

i went back to work...

put my 2 weeks in yesterday.

ive met new amazing people, who support me in any decision, and have become great friends. {even if its just on fb}

ive met someone, and im happy {yes i know u all know.} but i am in a place where i NEVER expected to be again, i honestly thought i would be a crazy cat lady...but with frankies!
                       Jacob n i started talking in July, i know soon...but he became the person i vented to, the                 person i could tell all my worries n thoughts to without worrying about being judged...n it just moved forward from there...

ive lived alone for the past like 5 months? {whenever i finally moved back home} and now im moving out. the house is rented out and i have to be out by the first of may, well more like the last of april.  i have no plans/idea on where im going to live, but i know im going to be ok. im sure ill freak out a little more once im back from my amazing summer roadtrip that i am so excited to start!

ive dealt with more drama in the last year, than most have to in their lifetime. but ive made it thru. i have gained new people in my life and lost quite a few as well...but it is what it is, and i am a stronger person for it. along with a much simpler life.

ive become a much healthier person, {down 30 pounds{sickening i could lose that much}} i feel so much better than i did before, not to mention look a lot better! {except my boobs arent half of what they used to be lol}

im slowly becoming an outdoors person...ive been camping twice now, and loved it.
        i even peed outside this last time!!! {BIG step for me!!}

trying to explain my situation hasnt gotten any easier, people ask if im married i find it easier to just say no {obviously} but i almost feel as if im lying...i know most believe im divorced, so when they ask why i got divorced i have to tell the story...then i get the "look" like omg what did i just get myself into. seriously tho, the look sucks...

but what sucks even more is the judgement eyes, when i tell people i have a boyfriend...yes people i can see you judging me! just people happy that i am happy...please.

im sure there is a lot more that i have done/learned in the past year, n i know this post is all over the place but so are my thoughts on writing it...

i am so grateful to have had Jason in my life, he is the most amazing person i will ever know. we had our fairytale, and he taught me what true love is...a long with many people in our lives. im still told today by people that they dont have what we had and know they never will. i am so grateful to have that, our fairtale, our few years together will forever change me and help me grow into a stronger and better person. i am truly amazed everyday with what i am capable of, where i am at and who i am becoming and i have Jason to thank for that{along with others}, for helping me thru life, i know he will ALWAYS be a part of me, no matter where i end up. i am so blessed to have met Jason, blessed to have been set up and finally agree to that blind date ♥ i still get so mad at the time we were cheated, all the plans we had that will never be fulfilled,  but i know what we had/have is amazing and i will cherish it forever, all the memories good and bad will always be a part of me.

i have grown so much in the past year, i am more independent. care a lot less of what people think of me, and i am working on writing my story, one page/day at a time.

im so excited to be starting fresh, i think it will be great for me, definitely needed. i lived in the house for a year, the year i said that i would because Jason was amazing n had enough saved up for me to live here, now its time for me to take care of myself. to get out of my comfort zone even more, be independent and take the bull by the horns. im super nervous, ive never been one to like change, but i NEED a change, and am ready for it.

its been a while...okay maybe more than a little while...but lets face it...life is getting better for me, i am not feeling as much need to write/blog...things are looking up for me, im not surrounded or filled with as much anger n negativity as i was in the beginning. dont get me wrong i have my days...days where nothing seems to be going right, n all i want to do is lay in bed and forget the world as i know it...but it gets better, it always gets better...


so as of lately.... i decorated for valentines day 

got a niece!

 went ice skating

i went camping! yes me...REAL camping. not my kind of camping. went to the desert, stayed 2 nights...it was freezing! but i loved it, and cant wait to go again!

{goblin valley}

 {i did that. ALL 8 miles {without peeing}}

 {us}

 {had to get brownie points n climb up into the hole}

a dear friend of mine lost her boyfriend...that was a ROUGH week {maybe longer...probably longer} 

bought a van {yes a VW van}

{for an EPIC summer road trip...more details to come}

have gone on a few bike rides...havent learned to drive it..YET...but i am still planning on it!

became FB official...yes i am "officially" in a relationship, i am happy and things are great.

went to the color festival 

                                                     

trying to rent my house out. it sucks being here, its just way too much house for me n frankie...

trying to sell some things, couch, tv, mirror, chair, foosball table, air hockey table, ottoman/storage thing...just to name a few {if interested hit me up!}

someone referred to Jason as my "ex" the other day...i had no clue how to react...but needless to say i was PISSED. Jason will always be my husband, he will always be my first real love....always be my superman.

still working, same place, things are definitely different than before, but they are good...

still vegetarian, still being healthy...well trying havent been doing the best lately but i started strong today!

{almost down all the weight i want to lose, still have about 10 lbs...any tips for those last few?!}

still havent decided what i want to be when i grow up...all i know is i want to be happy. so as of now ill work towards that :)

as it gets closer to the 1 year mark i tend to have more bad days...but they are expected, and i am in a better place to be able to handle them, not just alone, i am surrounded by amazing people who help me thru them...

i was asked to do a post about positive things i/we learned thru our cancer journey...n after writing down only positive, it didnt feel right...so here are...

 things i learned thru our journey of cancer treatment...

most important, your memories are what you will have, no matter what, make the best memories possible. have fun. enjoy everyday, laugh, smile, have fun. and dont get mad at the bad days, they come, too often...but remember its another day you get to spend with your loved one, good or bad make the best of it.

take time for yourself, even if its just a long bath, make sure you have time for you to free your mind from everything and just be able to relax. {takes practice, i never mastered it}

dont feel guilty. its hard, i know. dont feel as if your supposed to just curl up and stop everything, no. you need to enjoy life, all of it, whether its a few short years together or 50, enjoy them all.

Live in the now. i am HUGE on this, i tell everyone to live in the now, it was Jason's motto, it was our motto, and is now my motto. its how we justified our trips {cruise and hawaii} along with taking days off work, and driving to nowhere...its a way of life.

dont let people make you believe that your doing it wrong. they have no clue.

stand up for yourself/selves. demand answers, treatment, remember you have options, from your drs, to treatment, hospitals and everything in between, it is YOUR choice.

if it doesnt feel right...it probably isnt, your gut instinct is amazing. {we never went back to a radiologist after meeting her once, bad vibes}

do your research...but be prepared for AWFUL nights after...

no question is a stupid question, if you think it is google it first.

google is your best friend.

stay positive.

dont be afraid to break down in the middle of wal mart, work, car, lunch...ANYWHERE. cry when you need to cry. your true friends will do everything in their power to comfort you...or just cry with you, wherever you are.

ignore people. i know they are just trying to help, they care BLAH BLAH BLAH. people SUCK, the end. ignore the comments about what they would do, ignore the comparisons they WILL make about you and their long lost dads cousins friends mailmans uncles brothers daughters son twice removed, it doesnt matter. that was them, this is you. you are writing your own story.

talk about EVERYTHING, know what is wanted with treatment, extensive measures, funeral. EVERYTHING, dont avoid it, you will regret it. {write it down, you will forget at least half of it..} do this even if you arent sick, i fully recommend a book/binder with all important papers kept along with all wants, we didnt have one of these...

baking soda will get ANYTHING/EVERYTHING out of carpet, couch cushions, and your mattress. smell n stain gone.

and after writing this, we should all already know this. its nothing special that you only learn thru cancer treatment, im sure its nice to be reminded if going thru treatment now, and even if your not, sometimes we all need to be reminded to take a step back, take a deep breath n remember where u are who you are n what u want. n dont be afraid to give yourself everything you have ever wanted in life.

hello all! its been a while...but im still here!

ive been keeping busy, or at least trying to! a close, amazing friend had her baby, n named her after Jason, i havent been over to see her yet but i will soon! i went to vegas for a friends bday, had a BLAST! it was definitely needed. had christmas in idaho, been spending much more time in logan. started the new year off great! and am convinced it is going to be a better year. {i know i said this last year so lets hope i dont jinx this one!} i know from the sounds of it i havent done much of anything...but i feel great, ive been spending a lot of time with a great person, who makes me happy...{fb stalkers im sure already know all about him lol}

today was my first day back at work...it started out as a FAIL...but got a little better, i was sent home about an hour into my shift, then called back in a couple hours later...im hoping to get more shifts, so keep your fingers crossed for me! i was surprised by how many people asked me how my husband was doing...

new year resolutions/changes, calling it changes might make them stick a little better!
ive gone vegetarian, dont know how long i will be, it could be a permanent thing..
exercise regularly/be more active
be positive!/enjoy everything, {live in the now}
be more spontaneous.

not much, but its good enough for me!