my grandpa passed away monday night {25} he was diagnosed with adenocarcinoma about a week before. its hard to believe he is gone :( i was there when he passed. a few hours before, he told me that jason loved me, which made me know jason was there...

this year has completely sucked. my funeral dress is getting way too much usage. i hate it.

hopefully things can/will calm down, i need time to relax, get control of my life...{or at least try}

with grandpa in hawaii, at pearl harbor

today was Jason's birthday, i started having issues last night while reading the comments on his FB wishing him a happy bday...but overall i think i did pretty good with the day...{the next week will be hard/er}

we had his party at the cemetery, had a pretty good time, didtn start crying until i was writing wesleys message for jason on a balloon...then i lost it, gained control, lost it again...

we let go 23 balloons, Jason would be 23 today...we all wrote a message on them...n let them go at the end of happy birthday. there wasnt a dry eye by the end of happy birthday, i didnt make it thru happy...

 all the balloons

 reubens message to Jason!

 timari n family message

{everyone wrote a message, i just got pix of these for timari, since she couldnt be there...}

 me with our balloon balloon
{me n frankie}

 letting our balloons go

ritz from timari ♥

okay birthday bash update {lame name, oh well} it will be saturday the 30 {jasons bday} balloon release, 23 balloons, cake n ice cream, all at the cemetery...starting between 6-630.

please let me know if you plan on coming so we get enough cake n ice cream :)

Jason's phone is officially off. its a bittersweet moment. I dont know why it was such a hard thing to do, but its done. well sorta in a way...i wasnt going to pay the 200 to shut off the line, so my brother in law took over the line, and will be paying, so yay for help paying the bill!

i hate bill collectors. ALL of them. but ones from IHC seem to be the worst, altho i havent heard from the University yet, they may end up being worse... those of you who know me personally know my financial situation...and the rest of you can guess {im sure you get it right!}

IHC called a few days ago, about an outstanding balance from one of our many ER visits....i dont have the money to pay it. but they will not accept that. the girl was very RUDE, when i told her Jason had passed, her response "i know." if we would have been face to face i would have slapped her. after telling her again, there is no way i can afford to pay the balance, her telling me we need to get this taken care of she agreed to send me financial aid papers, which im sure once filled out they will write off the balance, but she doesnt have to be so rude. people really need to be taught customer service, especially with the situation...

Logan radiology called earlier today, the dude on the phone was as nice as could be! asked for Jason, when i told him he had passed away in april, he apologized for the situation, then asked if there was anything left from the trust, there was no trust, since jason was sick at such a young age. okay ill see what i can do about the balance, again i am sorry, have a good day. thank you!!
why cant all people i have to deal with be like this dude?! i would answer the phone a lot more if they were....

“If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together... there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… I’ll always be with you.”

i needed this today...the past few days have been hard, very hard... everyone keeps trying to give me advice, i know they just want to help but its hard to take their advice when they have no clue what i am going thru. i feel like they are all just telling me to hurry it up and get on with my life...

rage blackouts.

ya.

i have those.

sorry jon.

a picture is worth a thousand words...but if you saw one of me today you would only need 2....

bad night.

Jason's birthday is at the end of the month {30} and i want to do something. as of right now, im planning a balloon release and cake n ice cream up at the cemetery....just unsure of the time, dont want it to be in the middle of the day, n not too early so probably early evening :)

so this is your invite if you want to come, but let me know so we have enough stuff for everyone....

goodbye dear car...

had some good times with you, our road trip to cali, for the cruise, and our numerous trips to SLC, then Twin....not all the trips were good, but thankfully you were extremely reliable, and much cheaper in gas than the hummer....but sadly i cannot afford you, so you must go...
its official {well close enough} i am in between vehicles...luckily Jason's truck is paid off, sadly i have to wait for the oil leak to be fixed...so hopefully within a few days, i will have something to drive.

My brother's wedding was Saturday {9} it was a nice day, i was worried about how i would make it thru the day with my sanity, but you would all be proud that i did. i spent most of the day outside...{it was an outside wedding then moved inside for the open house} then the end of the night came and i lost it...hard core...

 flowers for the loved ones who couldnt be there...

me n my men, i could seriously {and do}spend all day with these two...they keep me going...

i seriously have the BEST neighbors. ever. they keep my lawn mowed ♥  and im sure they will like the fact that my sprinklers are now FIXED!!! {this pic was taken a couple weeks ago, my grass is pretty brown now}

sprinklers are broken worse than we thought.

and i need new tires.

ugh.

but on a good note, i had a great 4th of July weekend, at my friends house ♥

and the headstone artwork has been approved.

sprinklers are of the devil.

i went home, to get my sprinklers started so my yard wouldn't die {luckily i have the best neighbors ever n they mow my lawn ♥} well we have a sprinkler system. n i have NO clue how to work them. Jason did all that. so after trying for about 30 minutes, and realizing that i was flooding the side of my house, i gave up. total breakdown in the basement turning the water off. while waiting for my dad to get there to see if he could figure them out i saw Gabe. {Gabe is the one who will get me thru all that mechanical Man work for the house, and my dad of course} he came over to teach me how to use them. where we found out a pipe was broke. EFF, who do i call to fix that? Jason fixed one last year. maybe my dad can do it. tears welling up in my eyes, my lip shivering. he replied, dont worry, i can fix it tomorrow before i go to work, and then next time your here i can show you how to program them. thank you Gabe ♥

i hate holidays. not that we ever did much on holidays, but we did it together. last year we had a full schedule, i hardly remember the summer, i do remember what we did for the 4th, we spent the 2nd with jasons family, with Geniel from Arizona, then came out for the fireworks in snowville with my family the 3rd {or whatever days were celebrated last year} and now, im out with my family, which is great, except for the giant gaping hole where jason would be, so i hate holidays, and every other day for that matter...

i miss jason.

tonight is a bad night.

ive never felt more alone/scared in my life.

i try to calm myself down,

then full on panic attack comes.

i dont want drugs.

i just want jason.

he could fix everything.