memorial day 2011

i wA

i was asked today if i am feeling better...the only thing going thru my mind at the time was...im not sick, ive lost my husband, my whole world has fallen apart. and no i am not feeling better.

{i answered with, well im here wouldnt say im doing better}

ive been trying to decide what to put on Jason's headstone...i feel bad that i havent gotten it ordered yet...but when i try to think about what to put on it, i go blank {sadly my brain doesnt shut off} but i go blank, i have no idea. what do you put on a 22 year olds headstone?... i know what he loves{d} {me, frankie, his motorcycle, hiking, camping} but what do i put on it, i get so overwhelmed when trying to decide/come up with what to put on it {not to mention being able to pay for it, but thats a different story all together}

so it hasnt been ordered, and wont be until i can stop n actually come up with SOMETHING to put on it. when i feel good and ready it will be ordered...until then i will keep putting what i find i do like up at the cemetery...

today is going to be a bad day...i can feel it...thinking a lot about what were going to miss out on in life...i cant even imagine doing things that jason n i planned with someone else...i cant imagine someone else in my life..ever.

granted we experienced so much that a lot of people wont face in their lifetime...not all good. we had the most amazing bond ever, but it should have been for many more years... Jason is my best friend, i could/would tell him everything, we didnt hold stuff back with each other, we always knew what the other was thinking {i was constantly asking jason what he was thinking, he made fun of me for it all the time.} i always knew he would be there for me no matter what, he would hold me when i cried, listen to rant n rave about whatever had upset me, laugh at me when appropriate {even some inapropriate times} we could joke about everything {even his cancer, people got extremely butt hurt by it} we lived our lives to the fullest...

and now i dont know how to...im so lost to even know where to begin...

i hate being left to make big decisions on my own...i over think everything, and usually end up having some regret with the choice i end up making...

ugh.

fml.

i took this from a blog...im not big on taking posts from other blogs. everything i write is me, from me. but this is perfect. word for word perfect. i tried to change it to sound like me but i couldnt, didnt feel right to change it. feels as if it was taken out of a dictionary, shouldnt be changed, its the definition of what to do/how to help.

"How You Can Help Me"

Please talk about my loved one, even though he is gone. It is more comforting to cry than to pretend that he never existed. I need to talk about him, and I need to do it over and over.

Be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get comfortable with my crying. Sadness hits me in waves, and I never know when my tears may flow. Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand.

Don't abandon me with the excuse that you don't want to upset me. You can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you to know that."

Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I feel only if you really have time to find out.

I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don't see me. I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. My grieving may only begin 6 months after my loved one's death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For I am not only grieving his death, but also the person I was when I was with him, the life that we shared, the plans we had for our children, the places we will never get to go together, and the hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has crumbled and I will never be the same.

I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. He is a part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear. Both are okay.

I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just not acceptable. When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel badly enough that my loved one is dead, so please don't make it worse by telling me I'm not doing this right. And remember, I was a capable adult before his death and I still am.

Please don't tell me I can find someone else or that I need to start dating again. I may not be ready. And maybe I don't want to be. And besides, what makes you think people are replaceable? They aren't. Whoever comes after will always be someone different.

I don't even understand what you mean when you say, "You've got to get on with your life." My life is going on, I've been forced to take on many new responsibilities and roles. It may not look the way you think it should. This will take time and I will never be my old self again. So please, just love me as I am today, and know that with your love and support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget and there will always be times that I cry.

I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your hugs. I need you just to be with me, and I need to be with you. I need to know you believe in me and in my ability to get through my grief in my own way, and in my own time.

Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you some ideas:

(a) Bring food or a movie over to watch together.

(b) Send me a card on special holidays, our wedding anniversary, his birthday, and the anniversary of his death, and be sure to mention his name. You can't make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach out on this difficult day.

(c) Ask me more than once to join you at a movie or lunch or dinner. I may say no at first or even for a while, but please don't give up on me because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you've given up then I really will be alone.

(d) Understand how difficult it is for me to be surrounded by couples, to walk into events alone, to feel out of place in the same situations where I used to feel so comfortable.

Please don't judge me now - or think that I'm behaving strangely. Remember I'm grieving. I may even be in shock. I am afraid. I may feel deep rage. I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I'm experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before and one that can't be imagined by anyone who has not walked in my shoes.

Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please don't tell me you know how I feel, or that it's time for me to get on with my life. What I need now is time to grieve. Most of all thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience.

Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding.

And remember in the days or years ahead, after your loss - when you need me as I have needed you - I will understand. And then I will come and be with you.

--Author Unknown

see, perfect. no need to change it.

{still feel a little weird not changing it}

the numbness is gone...completely. i want it back. i want jason back. need jason back.

since the numb feeling has left, i...

cry myself to sleep. every night.

cant drive anywhere alone without having to park on the side of the road because i cant see im crying so hard.

randomly start crying.

{spend a lot of time crying.}

i have more anger towards the world.

feel less like i can handle life more and more each day.

wish to be with jason more and more each day.

miss jason more and more each day.

i dont sleep.

ive never felt more alone in my life.

i would do anything to have jason here with me.

i keep expecting things to get a little better, but they just keep getting worse...

our bad days/fights stick out more than our good days.

i just keep thinking of "what if's"

what if we did a different treatment?

what if he had chemo the first time he was sick?

what if they removed the tumor surgically in 09?

what if we had more time together?

what if we would have known about germany treatments in the beginning?

what if we would have gone natural in the beginning?

what if im never happy again?

what if i never come back?

why...

why my hubby?

why so young?

why us?

why cancer?

why now?

how...

how am i expected to go on?

how can i go on?

how am i supposed to live without jason?

what now?...

why?

what if?

the questions of all questions.

i hate them.

they torment me.

never leave me alone.

i hate bad days....n that seems to be all im having lately. i hate being alone. i hate knowing that jason cant come back. i hate that i cant shut my mind off. i hate that i over think everything and jason isnt here to tell me to stop. i hate everything. i hate being lost, and not knowing what im supposed to do now, or whats going to come.

i hate that our plans were ripped away from us. i hate that im left here alone, and i dont want to be. i dont want to be here. i cant even imagine going on without jason.

i hate that i lost my best friend. my world.

i have no regrets. we had a great relationship, perfect. wish we had more time together {like 50+ years}

i wish i could shut my mind off. i over think everything. every thought. every action. EVERYTHING. and i hate it.

{another post on stupid shit people say}

'well it was expected' {jason's death}

well everyone is going to die. so isnt everyones death expected?

expected or not there is no way to prepare yourself for the physical and emotional pain you are going to experience.

and yes jasons death was expected {like everyone else} but it wasnt expected to happen as soon as it did. he was 22 years old. we expected at least 5 years...well thats a lie, honestly we expected our miracle to happen. we expected forever. and lived as if we were getting forever. {we still argued over stupid things, complained about everything and everyone, we traveled {for enjoyment} we still made plans. we lived our life.}

and expected or not. it doesnt hurt any less, and its not any easier to get over.

i need a hobby.

{other than blogging all of my problems}

got a phone call today, from our first natural dr {we went to like 4} they called to see how jason was doing. i had told myself today was going to be a good day, at least better than the last few. until i got the phone call. it was all i could do not to hang the phone up. i couldnt even get out, 'he passed away last month' without hysterically crying...

maybe tomorrow will be a better day....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4jgUcxMezM&feature=share

people are stupid. {not the video} the people commenting. they all have the "it wont happen to me" attitude...good luck with that.

people need to be taught more on the subject.

we planted grass on jason's grave a couple days ago...havent ordered the headstone yet...one of these days i will...took lights, and a wind chime to the cemetery...finally got his cologne back...havent made it home yet, i keep thinking that im going to make it there, but im too scared to...when i am at home i am surrounded by jason, without him. i feel jason with me everyday, therefor i do not feel i have to go to the cemetery everyday, and at the cemetery i dont feel any closer to him...but i like to go...usually take my nephews to the cemetery with me...they were there thru all of jason's illness, the good and the bad. they make me cry. a lot. by telling me they miss jason, asking if we can unbury him, telling me we need to take jason's mug to him, so if he gets sick again he can get better. i cant explain to them where he is, i cant get any words out. they are probably the smartest 3 n 4 year olds ever. and the most caring. they are constantly asking me if im ok {im not} Frankie is depressed...im certain he knows jason is around. we constantly catch him staring up at the ceiling at 'nothing'. took him to the cemetery, he stuck around jason's grave most of the time we were there...

i hate nights. when im alone, with my thoughts. its the worst time of the day. i dont know how im supposed to go on with my life. jason was my life.

im surprised by how many people have 'left' my life since jason's passing. doesnt surprise me, jason told me it would be this way. everything he said would happen, has...its probably for the best.

i miss jason.

my world is a mess right now.

i still have my death wish.

i miss his voice.

his hugs.

kisses.

laugh.

smile.

everything about him. i miss.

nights are harder than days.

i miss my husband.

i miss OUR life.

i dont know where to begin on starting over.

i dont want to start over.

i try not to think i 'need him back'.

i know he cant come back.

but i really want/need him back.

want to be with him.

i dont think it will ever get easier.

i dont think i will ever learn to 'live with it'.

i dont understand why it had to be him.

why we had to be the strong ones.

why i have to be alone now.

why did he have to go.

i question ALL of my decisions.

i cant make decisions.

i cant sleep.

theres so many things we wanted to do.

we had so many plans.

im scared.

of what life may bring.

to be alone.

choices i have to make.

to live life without jason.

i dont know how im expected to get back into life.

how im expected to go back to work.

school.

friends.

life.

my life ended when jason's did.

but im stuck here.

without him.

completely lost.

and hating it.

i do not want to be here.

not alone.

not without jason.

dear questions, wonders and worries...

answer yourselves....i dont know what to do with you.

do it soon, please.

thank you.

Hope

its been a month, 4 weeks, 30 days, since you left...i dont know how ive made it this long without you...it doesnt feel like its been that long, still hard to believe you are gone.

i still expect to hear your voice, see you walk through the door, i still expect you to be here with me physically.

i dont know how i have made it this long, it has to be you, i feel you here with me, and im certain you are giving me your strength, since mine is all gone. i dont want to be here without you...i want to be with you.

miss you more and more each day...lovers you mr schenka.

"You left me, sweet, two legacies,
A legace of love
A Heavenly Father would content,
Had He the offer of;

You left me boundaries of pain
Capacious as the sea,
Between eternity and time,
Your consciousness and me."
- Emily Dickinson

May is melanoma awareness month...here is some info on it, and i know you are all thinking "it wont happen to me" it happens...so try to prevent it, and when it doubt get it checked!!

MELANOMA: [click here to see how melanoma grows]
The Facts You Should Know

Although melanoma accounts for only about 4 to 5 percent of all skin cancer cases, it causes most skin cancer-related deaths. However, if detected and treated in its earliest stages, melanoma is often curable.

In men, melanoma is most often found on the area between the shoulders and hips or on the head and neck. In women, melanoma often develops on the lower legs. {jasons was a mole behind his left ear, i never saw it}

The chance of developing melanoma increases with age, yet it is still one of the most common cancers in young adults.{jason was first diagnosed at 19, was told he was cancer free at 21, passed away at 22}

Skin cancer affects one in five Americans, and more than 1 million new cases are diagnosed each year. Of these cases, more than 65,000 are melanoma, a cancer that claims nearly 11,000 lives each year.

GO TO LATEST NEWS about SKIN CANCER

UNDERSTANDING UV RAYS: There are three types of ultraviolet (UV) rays from the sun: UV-A – These rays maintain relatively constant intensity throughout the year. They contribute to premature aging of the skin, sunburn and even skin cancer. UV-B – More intense than UV-A rays, these are stronger in summer months, at higher altitudes, and closer to the equator. They can contribute to premature aging of the skin and can cause cataracts—a clouding of the eye. Exposure to UV-B rays over a lifetime can lead to skin cancer and even affect the immune system. UV-C – These rays are the strongest and most dangerous, but they are normally filtered by the ozone layer in the earth’s atmosphere. UV exposure is greatest when the sun is highest in the sky between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. It is also greatest in the summer, at higher altitudes, and nearer the equator. Furthermore, up to 80 percent of the sun’s rays can penetrate light clouds, mist and fog. Fresh snow reflects back about 85 percent of the sun’s rays; water reflects back about 5 percent of the sun’s rays; concrete reflects back 10 to 12 percent of the sun’s rays. Protecting your skin during the first 18 years of life can reduce the risk of some types of skin cancer by up to 78 percent. One severe sunburn during the first 15 years of life can double the risk of skin cancer. THE SUN AS THE CULPRIT: Studies have confirmed that sun exposure is responsible for the development of at least two-thirds of all melanomas. Furthermore, it is estimated that 80 percent of a person’s lifetime sun damage occurs before the age of 18, a significant portion of which occurs during peak sun hours and in the summer. According to a survey by the American Academy of Dermatology, parents reported applying a sunscreen with a sun protection factor (SPF) of 15 or higher as their most frequent sun protection behavior (53 percent). Children using sunscreen spent an average of nearly 22 percent more time in the sun on a weekend than children who were not using sunscreen. Studies have shown that sunburn is often the result of incorrect use of sunscreen. Since people frequently apply only 20 to 50 percent of the recommended amount of sunscreen, they only receive 20 to 50 percent of the SPF PROTECT YOURSELF: The American Association of Dermatologists recommends that everyone follow these sun protection guidelines: Avoid outdoor activities between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. when the sun's rays are the strongest; Seek shade whenever possible; Wear a broad-spectrum sunscreen with a Sun Protection Factor (SPF) of 15 or higher; Wear sun-protective clothing and accessories, such as wide-brimmed hats and sunglasses; and Follow the "Shadow Rule" -- if your shadow is shorter than you are, the sun's damaging rays are at their strongest and you are likely to burn. In addition, physicians recommend that you conduct a monthly self skin exam to check for changes in moles, warts and other blemishes on the skin, especially parts which are exposed to the sun. Detection is still the most important tool for catching skin cancer early—and treating it effectively. extra info... http://www.simplehealthguide.com/may-is-melanoma-awareness-month-questions-to-ask-your-physician/ http://www.upmccancercenters.com/awareness/5melanoma/

i have no motivation. no motivation to do anything.

i used to enjoy work, and the people i worked with.

i used to want to be a nurse.

i loved helping people.

i have 4 months left of the MA program...

i have no motivation to go back.

ever.

no motivation to make something of myself.

no motivation to help others.

i catch myself thinking of how mad i will be if there is a cure for melanoma found soon, pissed that they couldnt find it sooner, to save my hubby.

catching myself thinking of how i just dont care anymore, about anyone, or anything.

im hoping its just a phase...and i will soon be back to my regular self {or as close to it as possible}

and to help me get there, i have been swabbed to be put on the registry to donate bone marrow...{here}

we were only 19 and 20 when we bought the house...so why would we buy mortgage life insurance....we were young {still are} couldnt even imagine our life being this way right now...but it is... n im lost...broke and confused...

still havent received the death certificates...which is really annoying...

they still have your cologne too...which pisses me off...

i dont understand all the paperwork crap i have to read...you were always so much better at understanding the retarded way things are worded...

i hate people...i now have to talk to them more since your not here to hide behind...

im over-thinking EVERYTHING...i need you here to tell me i made the right choices...n to calm down...

i need you here.

today is my birthday...my first birthday alone...i went out last night with friends...friends that you never met :( wish you would have....they took good care of me...i followed your motto "live in the now" and stepped out of my comfort zone, but have no regrets {another one of your motto's}...had a great time...until i got home... its the first time ive slept in an actual bed since you left, first time ive drank without you there to listen to me ramble...

i figured this bday would be better than last year...i was WRONG...i miss you so much, i dont like celebrating without you, i feel guilty when im having a good time...i know you want me to be happy and have a good time...it would be easier if you were here...

i hate that we missed out on so much, that we will never be able to follow thru on our plans, we will never have any more "firsts" with each other... we were cheated, and so much was taken away from us....i would do anything to have you back, back here with me...to live our lives together, the way we planned....