Sunday, April 17, 2011

i officially became a widow April 6, 2011..when my hubby {jason} passed away after a courageous 15 month n 15 day battle against stage 4 melanoma {cancer}{for that story}

i never expected to be here. especially at 21. Jason was 22.

we always expected a miracle.

we fought hard until the end, for our miracle.

we lived life during cancer treatment.

jason wasnt going to just curl up.

he fought, he stayed positive, he stayed strong.

for me.

jason's motto was live in the now.

{he said it on a regular}

everyone tells me time will heal, and i will move on with my life...

im young, ill be ok.

{drs told jason the same thing}.

we were married 08-08-08.

married for 2 years and 8 months when jason passed away...

a few weeks before my 22 birthday.

a few months before his 23.

i have so much hate and anger.

towards everyone, everything.

i have lost a lot of my faith.

we had a perfect relationship.

{a love hate relationship}

we loved, laughed, yelled, cursed, and loved some more.

we were best friends. lovers. soul mates.

he was my superman.

{he caught me when i fell}

he wrote me love notes

{i have them all}

he held me when i needed it.

gave me space when i wanted to be alone.

he was always there to make me feel better.

and now im alone.



this blog is for me. depressing, sad, angry, lost and confused. it is me. i promise i will repeat myself, yell, curse, complain, cry, and probably offend. but this is me.

i have so many questions but no answers...

i want to go home, but i am so scared to be there alone, in a house full of what our lives were...

everything reminds me of us, a story of something we did once, in our short time together...

i have no idea how i still have tears...i feel like i should be dried up by now...

i feel cheated.

i lay in the chair, all day and night...with no idea on what i am supposed to do now...

i never knew i could hurt this badly {physically and emotionally}

i feel so lost.

i miss him so much.

i hate knowing...

i will never hear his voice again.

i will never kiss him again.

he will never hold me again.

he is gone, and cannot come back.

its still so hard to wrap my head around.

i keep expecting him to walk through the door

and say howdy baby

with his huge, retarted smile.


1 comment:

  1. I am truly sorry for your loss. Unfortunately I can relate 100 percent. My husband was 21 and on his way home from work to take me to hospital( i was 8 months pregnant with our baby girl and she hadn't moved for 2 days I am a high risk pregnancy as it is) he was worried so he insisted I go get checked out. We only had one car and he wanted to go. He crashed not 15 minutes from our house. I had talked with him not even a minute before the crash. It's almost been a month now and I still can't cope. I am so upset but I can't grieve how I need to because tomorrow is the due date. When we met it was so instant we both just knew we dated for almost 5 months and married. He passed away February 24 2012 our one year wedding anniversary is April 26. I feel so guilty about his death and the fact he will never hold his daughter. He was such an amazing guy and he couldn't wait to be a dad. This is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy and I wish you all the luck during the healing process.

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