i will one day, be the most beautiful person!..

im in more physical and emotional pain than i ever knew was possible. im lost, and so angry. i hate that everyone else's lives can go on....and im here, stuck here...alone without my hubby, soul mate, best friend, lover, superman...

im so sick of being asked, well now what are you going to do?... do you really think i have any idea?! my world has completely turned upside down, and i feel as if im being shook for everything i have! i now have to relearn how to live on my own... jason n i used to always joke on how he took my independence away....and it was true...im lost without him, i need him...i depend on him so much...

im 21 and a widow...i dont know what im doing in an hour, let alone what my life plan is now...im jsut trying to get thru the day, trying to control my crying so i can have a conversation, and try figure stuff out...

its still hard to believe jason isnt coming back...im so lost on how my life is going to be now...we had our lives all planned out, children, careers, vacations, all of our life.... and now im alone, lost, confused, angry, sad...

‎"When life's problems seem
overwhelming, look around and see
what other people are coping with.
You may consider yourself fortunate."
- Ann Landers

i love this quote, and truly wish that i could look around and feel better about my life...but i cant. im the person that people get to look at and be grateful for theirs...

shortly after jason passed, and family and friends had come to say goodbye, i was given a few minutes to be alone with him...i told him how much i loved him, cared for him, will miss him, and lied to him by telling him i would be okay....i got to say goodbye...and beg him to stay with me...

but as people walked outside martha, had walked to her truck turned it on, and the radio changed, to 971 {my station} and played this song... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AzBrUM9rx4U

i am a firm believer in signs, signs from jason telling me he is here, especially when i am having a hard time... i believe that he changed the station, to this song, for martha because he knows that she would be the one to understand, i know to tell me....

we will be together again baby, until then stay with me, help me get thru the days and nights, i am without you, help me make the right decisions, and let me know your here...

i lovers you forever my superman ♥

im so lost and dont know what to do, where to start...

its so hard to go from dr appointments almost every other day, traveling to a different state for treatment, constantly cleaning up, packing, unpacking, driving, flying, filling prescriptions, er visits...having very little time to sit and relax, {and when we had the time, we tried to sleep, and be with eachother} to nothing. dont get me wrong, we cut back a lot after jan 25, when we were sent home with numbers to hospice, but i was still constantly doing something...helping jason with everyday activities, finding natural treatments, changing our diet, cleaning up everyday messes, fighting, encouraging and helping jason fight....and now i have nothing....nothing to keep me busy, to keep me going, no jason to keep me fighting....

i have to start over, by myself...and have no clue how to, or even where to begin...

i have a death wish, i wish every day to be gone, with jason. i have a death wish but i am not suicidal, i just wish to have my life back, and if i cant have him back, wish to be where he is...

i look around and see all these couples, who have made it 5+ years, with no stress, at least none comparable to ours... and i just dont understand...dont understand why my hubby passed away at the age of 22, after only a little over 2 years of being married...i just dont understand why it was my hubby...why we didnt get a family, get time to argue more, love more, travel more....why was our time cut short?...

why do people who are absolutely miserable and hate life get to live to be 110...and my hubby loved life, had to go at 22...how can older people get cancer and beat it, but jason who was as healthy as a horse, gets cancer and it takes his life...

we were told in august of 2009 that jason was cancer free and had nothing to worry about {his had a swollen lymph node, we went to the big dr to get it checked} the dr felt it, adn told him he had nothing to worry about...and a few months later we are in the ICU at the University, im so mad at that dr, mad he didnt do a scan...mad that he told us it was nothing and sent us home...

so mad that we only got 2 years n 8 months in our marriage, so mad you were taken away from me, and i am left here to fend for myself...im so mad and angry that i am here alone, without you and completely lost, so mad that i have to start over without you....

jason i lied to you...the day you left me...i lied. i told you i would be okay...that you could go, i loved you and you could go...i lied. im not ok...im not even close to being ok... im so lost without you, i hate the world even more than i did before. and im not okay...i need you, i need you here to take care of me, hold me, kiss me, love me. i need you. im sorry i lied. it felt like it was what was needed to be said, its what people say when they say goodbye...i wasnt ready to say goodbye...so i lied, i said what people say...n i take it back...im not ok...everything reminds me of you, and makes me miss you even more...

im so lonely without you, lost, depressed, scared...baby i need you...

i still cant believe that you are gone...i dont know where im supposed to start now, how im supposed to start...you are my world, my everything...and now its just me...your my best friend, i feel you near and know that you will always be with me, but your gone...

we promised each other forever....i didnt know forever would mean i would be without you for so long...

i lovers you baby...and miss you more and more each day...

i am so sick of hearing the stupid shit people say. please if you dont know what to say, DONT SAY ANYTHING! talk about something else... things that really get to me...

just be happy knowing he is no longer in pain...{jason never complained, and i am selfish, {and know} that he would rather be here in pain, with me} {and its kinda like saying hey glad your dead!}

i know what your going thru..{no you dont, did you lose your soul mate at the age of 22, after a 15 month battle with cancer?..no? didnt think so, so shut the eff up.}

are you ok? {ive complained about this one before on the other blog...n i stand by what i said there but a little more umph this go around...my husband, best friend, other half, superman, died. 2 weeks ago, im lost and have no idea what i am supposed to be doing...so NO i am NOT ok. i havent been less ok in my life!}

turning the consoling onto you is low, im not going to console you because your dog died, im the one that is having the HARD time right now, i dont need to hear about the death in your family.

dont compare my loss to yours. your grandpa/ma was old, they lived a long life, jason got 22 years.

god has a plan. well his plan SUCKS.

they must have needed jason in heaven, and i dont need him here?!

i am going to TRY for a better relationship with my husband because of you. thats great, i dont need or want to hear it, you can still have a relationship whether it be a good or bad. i cant.

keep your chin up, your the strongest girl i know, stay strong...

i bet your lost on what to do now...{ya think?!}

what can i do for you? {i will not answer you with something, i will tell you nothing, but if you really want to do something, im sure you can think of something, its obvious on what i need}

god never gives you more than you can handle...huh, im pretty sure i passed my mark a LONG time ago.

you are young, you will be happy and find someone.

trust in god. {i have trust issues}

no children? well thats a blessing. {exactly how?! im left alone, i would love to have a child, to help me get out of bed in the morning, a reason to live, a reason to stop thinking the thoughts i am thinking. something that could be mine and jasons, to help me thru the day, and help me remember to take care of myself...

please watch what you say...dont say stupid things, if you want to tell me something about jason thats great, jsut be prepared for me to cry {and dont worry i always have tissues so im not going to rub my snotty nose on your shirt} i love hearing about jason, about how happy and wonderful he is, to how much he loves me...i have learned a lot in the past week about jason, who he talked to about us, and how much he worried about me, he knew more than he led me to believe...which is a blessing and a curse, we lived life as if we would live forever, which is great it couldnt have been better, but i have to wonder that if we both knew it was going to end this way would we have done more?...

ive been trying to understand why

{why? my biggest question}

why my husband?

why a 22 year old?

why cancer?

why so fast?

why him?

why me?

why my superman?

its all so unbelievable, so unreal, to know that my husband, my 22 year old superman, is gone... so young, so full of life, so amazing...perfect, wonderful, why him?...

why not the awful people? why not the drug dealers, murderers, rapists, molesters??

why jason? he would give you the shirt off your back, he would do anything to make you smile/laugh. he would do anything for you, even if he had just met you. he would sit down and talk to you like you had been best of friends for years...he is great...perfect..one of a kind.

we will never get to have so much...family photos, surrounded by kids, the chance to get divorced, the chance to be married long enough to start disliking each other, never celebrate another birthday, the birth of our children, never get to travel to new places, graduation parties, never get to grow old together...

i try to not be bitter, i try very hard. but its so difficult. i hate people, i have always hated people, but i hate them more now...i hate people who can and do get divorced.. people who get to live with their soul mate past the age 21/22. people who get to have a family and chose to walk away from it....people who let their lives be miserable...people who complain about their lives, because they dont have the car or job they want...people who claim some little thing ruined their lives, people who try to off themselves because something little went the wrong way, like an argument...people who get the choice to be with their significant other and choose not to be, or people who complain about their significant other being away for the day/weekend...

its been 2 weeks since jason passed...it gets harder and harder each day to get out of bed, to get dressed, put a smile on my face...and attempt to face the world...i hope that one day i will be back, im unsure ill ever be back completely, but i will try, when im ready...and until then, let me be bitter, then me stare at the ground when in public places because it hurts to look at all the happiness, let me not make eye contact when talking, because eye contact makes it harder not to cry, let me let my mom talk in place for me when you start talking about jason, because just seeing his handwriting sends me into tears and full body shakes, you really think i can talk about him? let me be bitter, angry, pissed and full of hate and rage, its what i need right now...and it could change tomorrow, next week or it could take longer...but respect the fact that i need time, time to be bitter and pissed off at the world.

i stayed at home...yes our home...all night. by myself...and honestly i am proud of myself, that was a huge step...i planned on staying the night before, but sent myself into a huge panick attack until i told myself i wasnt going to...

i didnt plan on staying, i had gone to logan for a day out...which consisted of a tattoo, movie, food, and ice cream, with randy {cousin} and tina {friend} it was good to get out, helped keep my mind busy....but we missed the earlier movie so went to the later one, and ended up being later than expected by the time we planned leaving logan...randy and tina went back to SLC...and i stayed, at home...i thought about going back to idaho, but it is an hour drive {not a big deal} and i had to be back today to meet with work place and school {which ended up not happening, well did but didnt} so i stayed...

i stayed on the couch, couldnt make it to the bed...to our bed, in our room, full of our things....i slept on the couch, with the tv, and light ON...but i stayed home, in our home, by myself...

and hated it...i hate being without jason, i hate being surrounded by him, without him. i hate that people now refer to him in past tense, i hate that i cant...i hate that its now my home, my bills, my life...i want our life back...i want my hubby back, i want our happiness, craziness, randomness back...i want all of US back. i need him to be here to help me make decisions, i need him here to talk to people, to comfort me, love me, be my superman here with me.

every one keeps telling me im the strongest person they know, and that i will get thru this... what they dont know is that im not the strong one. jason is the strong one. he was the one that would hold me while i cried myself to sleep almost every night, he was the one that would promise me everything was going to be okay, and that i wasnt getting off that easily...he was the one that was sick but continued to comfort me, and be my superman.

i feel so lost and weak without him....i now have no one to hold me while i cry myself to sleep at night, he isnt here to tell me everything is going to be okay, that we will be together forever...

he isnt here to do things with. he isnt here to make sure i eat, drink, sleep... he isnt here to do things, like reach the top shelf, take the car to get its oil changed, make me laugh, make me happy. i will never hear one of his dumb jokes again, or how to buy pot n alaska...we wont get to renew our vows in a new location every 5 years like we planned. he will never take me on another motorcycle ride {i cant remember the last one we went on} he will never teach me how to ride the motorcycle...no more drives to nowhere, random stupid fights, yelling matches, no more date nights on tuesday, no more bickering on where we're going to eat {we could never decide}

he is no longer here for me to stand behind when i see people i dont like at wal mart, he is no longer here to go to wal mart or anywhere else with me {i HATE going alone} {i hate being alone}

so i am not the strong one. i am the weak one, the weak one that got left behind to fend for herself...and hates everyday that she is here alone, without jason.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SeTNKH7Vvrw

♥♥♥

this played at the funeral.

couldnt be more perfect.

i officially became a widow April 6, 2011..when my hubby {jason} passed away after a courageous 15 month n 15 day battle against stage 4 melanoma {cancer}{for that story}

i never expected to be here. especially at 21. Jason was 22.

we always expected a miracle.

we fought hard until the end, for our miracle.

we lived life during cancer treatment.

jason wasnt going to just curl up.

he fought, he stayed positive, he stayed strong.

for me.

jason's motto was live in the now.

{he said it on a regular}

everyone tells me time will heal, and i will move on with my life...

im young, ill be ok.

{drs told jason the same thing}.

we were married 08-08-08.

married for 2 years and 8 months when jason passed away...

a few weeks before my 22 birthday.

a few months before his 23.

i have so much hate and anger.

towards everyone, everything.

i have lost a lot of my faith.

we had a perfect relationship.

{a love hate relationship}

we loved, laughed, yelled, cursed, and loved some more.

we were best friends. lovers. soul mates.

he was my superman.

{he caught me when i fell}

he wrote me love notes

{i have them all}

he held me when i needed it.

gave me space when i wanted to be alone.

he was always there to make me feel better.

and now im alone.

this blog is for me. depressing, sad, angry, lost and confused. it is me. i promise i will repeat myself, yell, curse, complain, cry, and probably offend. but this is me.

i have so many questions but no answers...

i want to go home, but i am so scared to be there alone, in a house full of what our lives were...

everything reminds me of us, a story of something we did once, in our short time together...

i have no idea how i still have tears...i feel like i should be dried up by now...

i feel cheated.

i lay in the chair, all day and night...with no idea on what i am supposed to do now...

i never knew i could hurt this badly {physically and emotionally}

i feel so lost.

i miss him so much.

i hate knowing...

i will never hear his voice again.

i will never kiss him again.

he will never hold me again.

he is gone, and cannot come back.

its still so hard to wrap my head around.

i keep expecting him to walk through the door

and say howdy baby

with his huge, retarted smile.