lately the little time i listen to the radio its always the same song{s} playing over and over, which is understandable for the radio, but some are older songs, and maybe i just never noticed them before, but i do now. 

-im declaring this OUR song, we never talked much about "our" song, but this fits us. perfectly.

i love hearing what songs remind people of me n Jason {Jason n I?}. i used to listen to the radio ALL the time, but not so much anymore. so i appreciate peoples thoughts.


-thanks Jessie ♥

-thanks Mattie ♥

im sure theres more, but i cant think of any right now, im not feeling well, so hopefully they will come to me soon.

the headstone has been ordered.

still no word on if people are going to help me.

{thank goodness for credit cards}

jason told me they would be this way.

i have the best husband/guardian angel ever.

i have the best family/friends ever.

i won a contest on a blog today.

i never win.

pretty excited!

i still wear my wedding ring ♥.

cant imagine not wearing it.

i did my nails, acrylic n all. 

a year ago i couldnt even paint my own nails.

im going to learn to crochet/knit.

i want to open an etsy shop.

need to get crafty to have stuff to sell in my etsy shop.

my mom is going to teach me to sew.

hopefully soon.

i love seeing things in groups of 3.

im eating healthy again.

starting tomorrow.

Lifehouse - Broken

i went to breakfast with my parents this morning, while there we ran into a little old lady we know, and have known FOREVER.

i couldnt tell you the last time i saw her. she came up to me hugged me and told me she was sorry.

told me how she had lost her husband 7 years ago in a tractor accident, and one of the worst things people told her was, know he is in a better place.

"i dont care if he is in a better place, i know he doesnt want to be there, he wants to be here with me."

thank you Josie ♥ for understanding.

i spend a lot of time with my nephews, they keep me occupied, keep my mind from wandering...

we were driving back to my moms when they started to tell me how old people die.

people grow up, get old, and die. thats what happens.

so i asked what about people who die young? people who dont get to live long lives? {im crying at this point}

people only die when they are old. {i wish.}

what about Jason?

well people die old, unless they are really sick, with Melanoma stage 4. i miss jason.

i know dude, i do too.

they were around for everything, the great, good, ok, bad and just awful. we didnt sugar coat things with them, they knew what was going on and was here next to jason when he passed away...

im jealous that they love life so much.

i often{daily} catch myself waiting....waiting for jason to walk thru the door, down the hall, pull up in the car..waiting for him to come back to me.

i hate myself for this, i hate that i cant wrap my head around reality, around what my life has become.

 i hate that i have to start over, without him, without my best friend, soul mate, my other half, my man flesh.

i hate having to make decisions on my own, not that jason was much better at it, but i need his input on what i am supposed to do now...

i hate facing people, i hate the looks, and reactions i get from people when i enter a room, its as if i am diseased, they all run.

     {i havent decided if i prefer them to think im diseased, or tell/ask me stupid stuff}

i hate nights the most, when its time to tell him about my day, kiss him goodnight, and smuggle up.

i hate that my superman is gone, i hate that THIS is my reality...

we chopped off 15 inches of courtneys {sister} hair, on Monday. and are donating/sending it to Pantene Beautiful Lengths, in Jason's name. 

Jason and i donated our hair May 2010, and chose to send it to Pantene instead of Locks of Love, because Pantene donates their wigs, where as Locks of Love sells theres. after donating our hair, my younger sister donated hers, cousins daughter, friend, and now my older sister, all in Jason's name. 

Jason was very proud of himself for growing his hair out long enough to donate, and planned on doing it here on out {growing, cutting/donating, repeat} and since he no longer can, were doing it for him ♥

SLOW DANCE

Have you ever watched kids
On a merry-go-round?


Or listened to the rain
Slapping on the ground?


Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?


You better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.


Time is short.
The music won't last.


Do you run through each day
On the fly?


When you ask 'How are you?'
Do you hear the reply?


When the day is done
Do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
Running through your head?


You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast.


Time is short.
The music won't last.


Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow?
And in your haste,
Not see his sorrow?


Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
Cause you never had time
To call and say,'Hi'


You'd better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.


Time is short.
The music won't last..


When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.


When you worry and hurry
through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....
Thrown away.


Life is not a race.
Do take it slower


Hear the music
Before the song is over.


This poem was written by a young teenage girl dying from cancer and her last wish was to pass this poem on to as many people as possible to send the message to live life to the fullest!

i was hoping today just wouldnt come. im probably the ONLY person that was hoping the end of the world really was the 21. {altho i feel my world ended april 6} but today came, and i have to face it. i was hoping i could just go throughout the day and not realize what the day was {since the day came} but i couldnt.

today, baby Schenk was due. we were so excited, jason was so excited, he told everyone {even after agreeing to wait until after the first dr appointment{okay i told a few too!}} which made it even harder after finding out we had lost it. i really thought i was going to be able to just put it in the back of my head and not think about it, at least not today. but the hospital {being as smart as they are} called me about a week ago to register me for my maternity stay. the day we found out we had lost the baby was one of the worst days ever, along with days to follow. They were more bearable with jason there to help/hold me thru them. to make today even worse Jason is gone. not here to hold me thru out the pain/tears. He has been gone 2 months and i cant even imagine how ive made it this long by myself. it feels like time has completely stopped.

today is our engagement anniversary. i remember the day like it was yesterday....it wasnt anything too special, but it was perfect. perfect for us. 3 years ago today, i knew without a doubt we would spend forever together...and i found out how well he was at picking out jewelry!

i wish things felt as if they were getting easier. im so lost, i hate being here without jason. i would do anything for him to be here with me. its all so unbelievable, still.


we had spent the day in idaho with my family. i had gone over to my sisters house to see her new flooring in the bathroom, and jason had stayed at my parents {wasnt sure why} come to find out he was asking my dads permission, in a room full of people! and of course my dad said no. {everything is a joke in my family} after talking to my parents {and everyone else in the room} they wanted to see the ring, and jason being as sneaky as he was had hid the ring in MY CAR under MY SEAT for like a week, waiting for the right time to ask...so needless to say my entire family saw the ring before me. {i had no idea}

we had gotten back to logan late, but had to go back because i had work in the morning. i was taking stuff into my apartment then had to pee really bad, i came out of the bathroom and jason was writing something on my body mirror {which i didnt think much of cause he was always writing me love notes} i was on my way back out to the car to get stuff, and he stopped me in the living room. got down on one knee, and had this big long speech {that he butchered} but it was perfect. told me he loved me needed me wanted to spend forever with me...and i said yes!♥ cried a little, took a pic and sent it to EVERYBODY.

i {we were} was so excited for everything, our lives to begin, my ring! that fact that he surprised me, we had talked about what we wanted our lives to be like, but never really said much about it being with each other, it was just a known thing we didnt have to talk about it, we knew we wanted to spend forever with each other. i think i got about an hour of sleep that night, but i was excited to go to work to show off my ring to all my girls n my gmas!

i still have the mirror, and everything written on it {ill take a pic next time im home} he spelled committed wrong, and i love it. i caught him trying to fix it one day, n told him he couldn't because it was perfect the way it was. {he says he spelled it wrong because he was trying to hurry} we always joked about being forever commited. my ring is engraved with forever commited {his love you forever my superman}