needless to say the headstone DIDNT come in wednesday. but it DID come today! {friday 18}

i was so worried it wouldnt be delivered since it was snowing like crazy out here today. not mention the fact it was supposed to be delivered back in August...and they have rescheduled about ten times.

remember how i switched the stone to get it delivered sooner?...well we ended up with the stone i originally ordered....so who knows if it was just some excuse to take longer to deliver {which i'm sure they regretted when putting the stone in during a blizzard along with about 4 inches on the ground}

i was very upset with the business and how long they took to deliver. but now that it is here...it is perfect.

just getting there...

 digging the grass up, for the cement block to go into

 leveling it out

 lowering the cement block down

 they lowered the base, centered it, then put this putty stuff down and removed the sticks underneath it

 they put the stick on top of the base then lowered the top down onto it, centered it, put the calk around then removed the sticks

 removing the excess calk that was pushed out by the weight of the stone

the finished product...love it.

My sister in law is having a slumber party, at my house, and everyones invited! ;) so email me {schenk_hope@yahoo.com} or message me on fb or txt me, and ill give ya all the details :)

im back out to the parentals, dylans blessing was sunday so i came out for it saturday night, then had a get together tuesday so didnt see the point in driving back to logan just to come back a day later, and now have a baby shower tomorrow so needless to say it just made sense to stay out here...

still no headstone. hoping this week...called today, and they told me its done and should be delivered wednesday...ill believe it when i see it.

i got more stuff put away at the house...working on turning our home into my home...i have moments where im on a roll, and doing great...then find something i havent seen in a while...if ever...quick sobfest then im back to work...

i feel with each step forward its a few back {thanks kay for this, it definitely fits right now}

still trying to decide what to do with my rings, i feel like i have considered EVERYTHING, but cant decide. i moved them to my right hand...but they got moved back, they didnt feel right over there, and my right hand is fatter than my left...im leaning more towards wearing them around my neck, if i can get a chain that has a safety thing on it. ive thought about melting it down but then its too different, and the inscription would be gone and right now thats just way too much change...

i talked to work, n am planning on going back in January...this year is shot...so i will just start the new year off fresh.

changing titles to the truck/motorcycle is going to be the death of me! serious biggest pain. ever. but should be done soon...at least to the truck

i feel like im getting back into life, back into reality...im very happy with what i have accomplished the past couple weeks...and hope its all up hill from here....at least a little calmer than it has been...

im still home. {its a big accomplishment}

 Kay and Lance stopped by yesterday ♥ it was good to see them. Lance is going to blow out my sprinklers. {as far as i know i did everything else right :)} 

ive been cleaning, putting stuff away, trying to decide what to do with stuff...its tough.

today i moved all of jasons clothes, well the ones in the closet. from his closet to the spare rooms closet. i know its not a big move, it would have been easier to just put it all in bags for the DI or whatev, but this was hard enough. im still deciding what to do with them. i think i want them made into a memory quilt. i just have to learn to sew...or find someone to make it for me {im sure i will find someone} im hoping that with them in the spare room {that i never go in to} i will kind of forget they are there, so when the time comes it will be easier to part with them.  also i couldnt handle staring at them any more, and the closet doors have to be open because frankies kennel is in there and he would have a heart attack if he couldnt get to it! so im seeing this as a step forward...i had forgotten how big Jason's feet were, seriously they were huge. {random i know}

but on a good note of cleaning out his closet, i found money! and a notebook named jasons cancer journal... he wrote in it twice...once about radar sending us on our cruise ♥ and the other was this -

I'm so sore tired & weak

staying positive is hard when the future's bleak

somehow I couldn't be more happy with my life

I owe everything to my beautiful wife

sobfest at my house!...


samples of memory quilts here

They say the inability to accept loss is a form of insanity,  Its probably true but sometimes its the only way to stay alive. - Meredith Grey


i have recently come to the conclusion that i have been hiding from reality. im sure you all are thinking DUH. it took me a while to realize it but now that i do i am trying to get back into reality...


my goal this week was to get stuff done, stuff that i should of had done months ago {cut me some slack ive been lost...still am} 
i got almost all of it done. but what i didnt get done isnt my fault, n ill be sure to get it done next week. ive gotten 2 banks taken care of 1 to go {dont ask why we use so many banks, i find it odd too} 401k, insurance, the gas bill is now in my name. now what i still have to do, other than close the one bank account is, get titles changed into my name, i went to the DMV here in logan, but in order to put my name on the truck n bike i have to get safety inspections, so i am going to take care of them in idaho, where luckily they dont believe in safety! at least not in oneida county ;) and also have to change the internet to my name, they are merging companies so couldnt find my account when i called...


im home now, for a couple days, cleaning, putting stuff away. trying to decide how to decorate my  home, my dad put it perfectly, when he told us we were the most selfish people, we decorated with pictures of us :) but its time for a change...so if someone wants to come help me/do it for me...that would be great! :) i sprayed home defense around my house, hopefully it works wonderfully i HATE spiders. sprinklers have been winterized...hopefully i did it right, but if someone wants to come check that, that would be great too! i also change my heater filter! im slowly getting my independence back, just need to keep working on getting to the point of no longer questioning what i do...one day ill get there.


i still wear my ring...its gorgeous tho, seriously what am i supposed to do with it...i would love to wear it forever, but with this whole trying to get with reality i feel my ring is a big lie. not to others, i dont care about others right now, im learning to take care of me, and i feel its a big lie a lie to myself. a false hope that jason is here, that he is here to take care of me and protect me...so please widows who read my blog, what have you done with yours?...


tim{dad} told me the other day he always thought of me as a person that took life by the horns...but now im just holding onto the tail for the ride...it hit. me. hard. i know i need to get back into life, and i am trying, really trying. hoping that i can get back soon...but until then ill just hold on..its better than letting go.

the boys helped me carve pumpkins this year, we had a blast ♥

jareth would help get the pumpkin guts out, but wesley told us it was too nasty! so he was on sleeve duty.

 up at the cemetary

the finished product. superman n wonder woman ♥

yes...there is still NO headstone. it was supposed to be delivered over 2 months ago, but they are having issues getting the stone. so changes have been made. and hopefully i wont regret them when i see the stone in about 2 weeks, the weather better stay good!

watched 50/50 tonight {thanks stephanie for going with me} i loved it. it was great, i recommend it to everyone. there was a couple scenes that were a lil odd, n wondered why they were in there...but not so much. we laughed through pretty much the whole thing, it didnt get really serious until the end, i got a little teary eyed but never lost control {i dont think ive ever cried at a movie in theater, at home different story} also i already knew the outcome n i think that was a big reason why i didnt cry {spoiler alert-he lives}

i compared pretty much the whole thing to our battle, a lot of it fit, except the whole relationship part. but finding humor in the everyday, joking about using the c-card, the way drs talk to the patient {altho our drs were pretty good for the most part} shaving jason's head, the emotions, {now i know everyone goes thru these, but jason was almost exact.} calm, mad, then total freak out. {i remember getting groceries out of the car one day, and tina called jason, he dropped a gallon of milk and every word out of the book was said. he just completely lost it. i left him in the garage n let him get it all out, i believe it helped him. {remember that tina?}}

they even said LIVE IN THE NOW!! :))

over-all i really enjoyed the movie, and so glad we didnt have to walk out!