i read a few months back on a blog, about how it hits her daily that her husband isnt there, isnt coming back, that he is gone. while reading it i thought for certain i knew exactly what she was talking about, was convinced i was going thru the same thing at that moment. I. WAS. WRONG. i now know what i thought i knew.

i can be having an amazing day, and when thinking about laying in bed telling jason about my day it hits me. like a ton of bricks. he wont be there. he cant be there. he is gone. i am all alone. and i HATE it.

it happens more often than not. everything can be going great, then i remember how screwed up my life is, how alone i am, how jason is gone and cant come back. and i lose it, the rest of the day is pretty well shot, and im once again lost, with no clue on what it is that i am supposed to do now.

one year ago today we were enjoying our time in Hawaii. It was a great break, amazing to get away and have a wonderful time with family and friends ♥ forget our worries, and life in general.

thank you so much timari n reuben for letting us be there for your big day! love you guys! ♥

thank you all for the memories. i will cherish them forever ♥

the headstone was supposed to be here by now. i was worried it was going to be put in while i was gone to AZ {i want to be there}, but it obviously was not. i was going to call them to find out what was going on, but they beat me to it.

apparently they are still waiting on the stone. the quarry they work with has layed off a lot of people, so we get to wait. they informed me they are expecting the stone by the end of september...and who knows how long it will take to engrave it, hopefully it all happens before it gets too cold to put in the stone in and we end up waiting even longer.

i hate that it isnt there yet, i ordered when i did because i didnt want to be the person who took forever to order it, the headstone needs to be there, just really bugs that were still waiting.

they were really polite on the phone, apologized for it not being there and taking so long. wanted me to know they are thinking of me and care for me...

i hate people. ive never really been much of a people person, but throughout the passed couple years ive started to hate people even more, especially selfish inconsiderate rude people. {who seem to surround me}

more drama in my life is the LAST thing i need. so i quit. i am done {i know ive said it before, but its for real this time} i will NOT expect anything from these people, and will be glad jason warned me they would be this way{even tho part of me didnt believe him, and gave them a chance}, and glad that jason is keeping his promise, with not leaving me alone with them...

the 8th was our anniversary...3 years ago, i married my best friend, nervous to start our lives together but more so excited for it to begin...never would have imagined id be a widow by the 3rd one... that wasnt supposed to happen for a LONG time {if ever.}

i didnt want to be alone that day...so i kept myself busy... i had to get some papers notorized so i went over to the courthouse in malad, and then went to the dr {hadnt been feeling well for a long time} spent about 4 hours there {natural dr that jason went to..we talked a lot} on the way back to my parents i got a friggin speeding ticket!! {first one EVER}. i tried and succeeded on keeping busy that day...

the past week ive been in arizona...went to visit my cousin, and get away for a while. luckily my aunt chris was driving down so i had a ride. it was nice to get away, great to see timari, and all our arizona friends {well most of them} it was great to get away, but definitely nice to be home, ive missed frankie...

 hoping to go again in october to go to the baby shower n finish getting the nursery ready {we painted it this time, well most of it}

went out for a friends bday saturday night...it was great fun. once we got past the awkward moment of "girl i dont know" asking me where my husband was....i just asked for someone else to take it...n they did {thank you} i wear my ring, i should be prepared to answer these questions. but i am not.

i was listening to an old cd that jason had made for me....great memories, lots of tears...

especially with this song...

we hadnt been dating for very long when he played this song for me...

it was perfect...

is perfect...

i love this song...

always will ♥♥♥