They say the inability to accept loss is a form of insanity,  Its probably true but sometimes its the only way to stay alive. - Meredith Grey


i have recently come to the conclusion that i have been hiding from reality. im sure you all are thinking DUH. it took me a while to realize it but now that i do i am trying to get back into reality...


my goal this week was to get stuff done, stuff that i should of had done months ago {cut me some slack ive been lost...still am} 
i got almost all of it done. but what i didnt get done isnt my fault, n ill be sure to get it done next week. ive gotten 2 banks taken care of 1 to go {dont ask why we use so many banks, i find it odd too} 401k, insurance, the gas bill is now in my name. now what i still have to do, other than close the one bank account is, get titles changed into my name, i went to the DMV here in logan, but in order to put my name on the truck n bike i have to get safety inspections, so i am going to take care of them in idaho, where luckily they dont believe in safety! at least not in oneida county ;) and also have to change the internet to my name, they are merging companies so couldnt find my account when i called...


im home now, for a couple days, cleaning, putting stuff away. trying to decide how to decorate my  home, my dad put it perfectly, when he told us we were the most selfish people, we decorated with pictures of us :) but its time for a change...so if someone wants to come help me/do it for me...that would be great! :) i sprayed home defense around my house, hopefully it works wonderfully i HATE spiders. sprinklers have been winterized...hopefully i did it right, but if someone wants to come check that, that would be great too! i also change my heater filter! im slowly getting my independence back, just need to keep working on getting to the point of no longer questioning what i do...one day ill get there.


i still wear my ring...its gorgeous tho, seriously what am i supposed to do with it...i would love to wear it forever, but with this whole trying to get with reality i feel my ring is a big lie. not to others, i dont care about others right now, im learning to take care of me, and i feel its a big lie a lie to myself. a false hope that jason is here, that he is here to take care of me and protect me...so please widows who read my blog, what have you done with yours?...


tim{dad} told me the other day he always thought of me as a person that took life by the horns...but now im just holding onto the tail for the ride...it hit. me. hard. i know i need to get back into life, and i am trying, really trying. hoping that i can get back soon...but until then ill just hold on..its better than letting go.

the boys helped me carve pumpkins this year, we had a blast ♥

jareth would help get the pumpkin guts out, but wesley told us it was too nasty! so he was on sleeve duty.

 up at the cemetary

the finished product. superman n wonder woman ♥

yes...there is still NO headstone. it was supposed to be delivered over 2 months ago, but they are having issues getting the stone. so changes have been made. and hopefully i wont regret them when i see the stone in about 2 weeks, the weather better stay good!

watched 50/50 tonight {thanks stephanie for going with me} i loved it. it was great, i recommend it to everyone. there was a couple scenes that were a lil odd, n wondered why they were in there...but not so much. we laughed through pretty much the whole thing, it didnt get really serious until the end, i got a little teary eyed but never lost control {i dont think ive ever cried at a movie in theater, at home different story} also i already knew the outcome n i think that was a big reason why i didnt cry {spoiler alert-he lives}

i compared pretty much the whole thing to our battle, a lot of it fit, except the whole relationship part. but finding humor in the everyday, joking about using the c-card, the way drs talk to the patient {altho our drs were pretty good for the most part} shaving jason's head, the emotions, {now i know everyone goes thru these, but jason was almost exact.} calm, mad, then total freak out. {i remember getting groceries out of the car one day, and tina called jason, he dropped a gallon of milk and every word out of the book was said. he just completely lost it. i left him in the garage n let him get it all out, i believe it helped him. {remember that tina?}}

they even said LIVE IN THE NOW!! :))

over-all i really enjoyed the movie, and so glad we didnt have to walk out!

its time for a change. a good change. preferably one that wont cost money

but its definitely time for a change.

i need to start doing something for my future, other than just worrying about it.

i dont think things will get easier overnight, im still going to have my AWFULdontwanttogetoutofbed days, but i need to do something.

im tired of being the blog that is nothing but depressing.

i do have good days. really i do.

but the good days arent the days that i need to write/vent about.

so from here out im going to try to share my good days with you all,

and im going to try to have more, more good days, more to my life than just sitting.

 i need a change.

so im working on a change. a change for the better. putting forth a little more effort to have more good days and to blog the good days.

but dont get upset when its stil 90% depressing, but thats how it goes right now.

{ps i put EVERYTHING on FB, usually the good stuff is there LONG before it is here. just fyi}

so on the fresh start of something good-

i went to the Dino park in Ogden with wesley {nephew} we had so much fun, so glad i got to go with him ♥

 he insisted on a funny face :)

 me n frankie came home today. {unsure of how long} this is frankies first time being home since february.

he was so excited, i was a little nervous he would run around looking for jason. luckily he didnt.

{i fully believe he knows he isnt physically here}

Ive recently been introduced to Geocaching, thanks kayleigh! i was/am amazed by how many are in snowville/stone!

 this one was up by my parents house, we added a stupid cancer bracelet to it :)

one of these days were going to check out all the caches in logan...

ive been blessed to be able to spend much time with this little guy ♥

{sorry about the poor quality of all the photos, they are from my phone}

ive been helping my dad with cows lately. ugh, just kidding it really isnt THAT bad. 

i just got done working out and feel great. i really need to start doing that daily. its{running} scary to do in idaho tho, too many BIG animals out there {mountain lion above my parents house, and also a few wolves}.

               im setting a goal of getting rid of pounds {way too many to post here, its embarrassing!} but im confident its going to happen, im going to buckle down be strict, and become healthy.

LOVE this....

"All men fear death. It's a natural fear that consumes us all. We fear death because we feel that we haven't loved well enough or loved at all, which ultimately are one and the same. However, when you love a truly great woman, one that deserves the utmost respect in this world and one that makes you feel truly powerful, that fear of death completely disappears. Because when you are sharing your body and heart with a great woman the world fades away. You two are the only ones in the entire universe. You conquer what most lesser men have never conquered before, you have conquered a great woman's heart, the most vulnerable thing she can offer to another. Death no longer lingers in the mind. Fear no longer clouds your heart. Only passion for living, and for loving, become your sole reality. This is no easy task for it takes insurmountable courage. But remember this, for that moment when you are making love with a woman of true greatness you will feel immortal." -"Midnight In Paris"