ive been trying to understand why

{why? my biggest question}

why my husband?

why a 22 year old?

why cancer?

why so fast?

why him?

why me?

why my superman?

its all so unbelievable, so unreal, to know that my husband, my 22 year old superman, is gone... so young, so full of life, so amazing...perfect, wonderful, why him?...

why not the awful people? why not the drug dealers, murderers, rapists, molesters??

why jason? he would give you the shirt off your back, he would do anything to make you smile/laugh. he would do anything for you, even if he had just met you. he would sit down and talk to you like you had been best of friends for years...he is great...perfect..one of a kind.

we will never get to have so much...family photos, surrounded by kids, the chance to get divorced, the chance to be married long enough to start disliking each other, never celebrate another birthday, the birth of our children, never get to travel to new places, graduation parties, never get to grow old together...

i try to not be bitter, i try very hard. but its so difficult. i hate people, i have always hated people, but i hate them more now...i hate people who can and do get divorced.. people who get to live with their soul mate past the age 21/22. people who get to have a family and chose to walk away from it....people who let their lives be miserable...people who complain about their lives, because they dont have the car or job they want...people who claim some little thing ruined their lives, people who try to off themselves because something little went the wrong way, like an argument...people who get the choice to be with their significant other and choose not to be, or people who complain about their significant other being away for the day/weekend...

its been 2 weeks since jason passed...it gets harder and harder each day to get out of bed, to get dressed, put a smile on my face...and attempt to face the world...i hope that one day i will be back, im unsure ill ever be back completely, but i will try, when im ready...and until then, let me be bitter, then me stare at the ground when in public places because it hurts to look at all the happiness, let me not make eye contact when talking, because eye contact makes it harder not to cry, let me let my mom talk in place for me when you start talking about jason, because just seeing his handwriting sends me into tears and full body shakes, you really think i can talk about him? let me be bitter, angry, pissed and full of hate and rage, its what i need right now...and it could change tomorrow, next week or it could take longer...but respect the fact that i need time, time to be bitter and pissed off at the world.