i stayed at home...yes our home...all night. by myself...and honestly i am proud of myself, that was a huge step...i planned on staying the night before, but sent myself into a huge panick attack until i told myself i wasnt going to...

i didnt plan on staying, i had gone to logan for a day out...which consisted of a tattoo, movie, food, and ice cream, with randy {cousin} and tina {friend} it was good to get out, helped keep my mind busy....but we missed the earlier movie so went to the later one, and ended up being later than expected by the time we planned leaving logan...randy and tina went back to SLC...and i stayed, at home...i thought about going back to idaho, but it is an hour drive {not a big deal} and i had to be back today to meet with work place and school {which ended up not happening, well did but didnt} so i stayed...

i stayed on the couch, couldnt make it to the bed...to our bed, in our room, full of our things....i slept on the couch, with the tv, and light ON...but i stayed home, in our home, by myself...

and hated it...i hate being without jason, i hate being surrounded by him, without him. i hate that people now refer to him in past tense, i hate that i cant...i hate that its now my home, my bills, my life...i want our life back...i want my hubby back, i want our happiness, craziness, randomness back...i want all of US back. i need him to be here to help me make decisions, i need him here to talk to people, to comfort me, love me, be my superman here with me.