we planted grass on jason's grave a couple days ago...havent ordered the headstone yet...one of these days i will...took lights, and a wind chime to the cemetery...finally got his cologne back...havent made it home yet, i keep thinking that im going to make it there, but im too scared to...when i am at home i am surrounded by jason, without him. i feel jason with me everyday, therefor i do not feel i have to go to the cemetery everyday, and at the cemetery i dont feel any closer to him...but i like to go...usually take my nephews to the cemetery with me...they were there thru all of jason's illness, the good and the bad. they make me cry. a lot. by telling me they miss jason, asking if we can unbury him, telling me we need to take jason's mug to him, so if he gets sick again he can get better. i cant explain to them where he is, i cant get any words out. they are probably the smartest 3 n 4 year olds ever. and the most caring. they are constantly asking me if im ok {im not} Frankie is depressed...im certain he knows jason is around. we constantly catch him staring up at the ceiling at 'nothing'. took him to the cemetery, he stuck around jason's grave most of the time we were there...

i hate nights. when im alone, with my thoughts. its the worst time of the day. i dont know how im supposed to go on with my life. jason was my life.

im surprised by how many people have 'left' my life since jason's passing. doesnt surprise me, jason told me it would be this way. everything he said would happen, has...its probably for the best.