the numbness is gone...completely. i want it back. i want jason back. need jason back.

since the numb feeling has left, i...

cry myself to sleep. every night.

cant drive anywhere alone without having to park on the side of the road because i cant see im crying so hard.

randomly start crying.

{spend a lot of time crying.}

i have more anger towards the world.

feel less like i can handle life more and more each day.

wish to be with jason more and more each day.

miss jason more and more each day.

i dont sleep.

ive never felt more alone in my life.

i would do anything to have jason here with me.

i keep expecting things to get a little better, but they just keep getting worse...

our bad days/fights stick out more than our good days.

i just keep thinking of "what if's"

what if we did a different treatment?

what if he had chemo the first time he was sick?

what if they removed the tumor surgically in 09?

what if we had more time together?

what if we would have known about germany treatments in the beginning?

what if we would have gone natural in the beginning?

what if im never happy again?

what if i never come back?

why...

why my hubby?

why so young?

why us?

why cancer?

why now?

how...

how am i expected to go on?

how can i go on?

how am i supposed to live without jason?

what now?...