They say the inability to accept loss is a form of insanity, Its probably true but sometimes its the only way to stay alive. - Meredith Grey
i have recently come to the conclusion that i have been hiding from reality. im sure you all are thinking DUH. it took me a while to realize it but now that i do i am trying to get back into reality...
my goal this week was to get stuff done, stuff that i should of had done months ago {cut me some slack ive been lost...still am}
i got almost all of it done. but what i didnt get done isnt my fault, n ill be sure to get it done next week. ive gotten 2 banks taken care of 1 to go {dont ask why we use so many banks, i find it odd too} 401k, insurance, the gas bill is now in my name. now what i still have to do, other than close the one bank account is, get titles changed into my name, i went to the DMV here in logan, but in order to put my name on the truck n bike i have to get safety inspections, so i am going to take care of them in idaho, where luckily they dont believe in safety! at least not in oneida county ;) and also have to change the internet to my name, they are merging companies so couldnt find my account when i called...
im home now, for a couple days, cleaning, putting stuff away. trying to decide how to decorate my home, my dad put it perfectly, when he told us we were the most selfish people, we decorated with pictures of us :) but its time for a change...so if someone wants to come help me/do it for me...that would be great! :) i sprayed home defense around my house, hopefully it works wonderfully i HATE spiders. sprinklers have been winterized...hopefully i did it right, but if someone wants to come check that, that would be great too! i also change my heater filter! im slowly getting my independence back, just need to keep working on getting to the point of no longer questioning what i do...one day ill get there.
i still wear my ring...its gorgeous tho, seriously what am i supposed to do with it...i would love to wear it forever, but with this whole trying to get with reality i feel my ring is a big lie. not to others, i dont care about others right now, im learning to take care of me, and i feel its a big lie a lie to myself. a false hope that jason is here, that he is here to take care of me and protect me...so please widows who read my blog, what have you done with yours?...
tim{dad} told me the other day he always thought of me as a person that took life by the horns...but now im just holding onto the tail for the ride...it hit. me. hard. i know i need to get back into life, and i am trying, really trying. hoping that i can get back soon...but until then ill just hold on..its better than letting go.
My sister wore her ring on a chain around her neck.
ReplyDeleteWould you be opposed to melting it down into a pendant perhaps? It's amazing what jewelers can do design wise. I think you are amazing by the way. I check in on your blog every few days just to see how you're doing. From Toronto, wishing you the best.
ReplyDeleteSome days I wear mine and my late husbands on a chain around my neck, especially on my lonely days. Then there are the days when I feel strong enough to keep them in my jewelry box when I leave the house. I wore mine on my finger for a while, but I started to feel like I was lying to others as well as myself.
ReplyDeleteI also want to thank you for your blog. I am 21 and I have been following since August when I was faced with putting my 25 year old husband into hospice care after a 10 month battle with lymphoma and complications of a bone marrow transplant. He passed away 7 weeks ago and though I am still very distraught, your blog has helped me feel less alone in a world where it is now hard for me to relate to others. Through your words I am learning that it is okay to feel the way I am. So thank you again.