ive been playing with the idea of writing a post about being a widow and dating...its not an easy task, for me or Jacob...theres so many thoughts on both sides about, well..everything and then some...things you would never imagine...ive had a post written...deleted...written..and well deleted again, none ever felt right, i didnt feel i was covering everything that needed to be covered. so i have done some blog stalking, and think i will be able finally get it written...

its obvious we have been dating a while now, along with starting our little family...but i dont feel ive gone into much detail with us, i know i dont need to, but the blog has always been so personal and lately not so much, so i may be heading back to the personal writing way too much that people may not care about blog...

Jake is amazing, to say the least...he knew how messed up my life was before starting to even talk to me, and then learned even more after we started talking when he became the person i vented to...and you all know i vented..a lot...about everything, and then some...i figured after my first novel long text venting session that would be the end of our talking..glad it wasnt!  He treats me so amazingly, he gets me out of my comfort zone {camping, summer road trip} he is kind, thinks of others, has a great sense of humor {altho he isnt as hilarious as i am...but really no one is!} his life has made him perfect for me, perfect for the time he came into my life...i know many of you think im crazy, and horrible for dating as early as i did...but it was the right timing for me...and thats what really matters.

now i truly believe that the timing was perfect for Jacob to come into my life, but it wasnt an easy transition...for either of us...so many thoughts go through your mind when your dating...now imagine what goes through your mind when you are dating a widow...dating someone who didnt want her relationship to end, someone who has said numerous times that her life was perfect, she had met her soulmate, that her husband was the most amazing person. ever. someone who constantly says she loves her husband and always will {someone who still calls him her husband, not late husband} Imagine trying to deal with the feelings of jealousy, the worry of not living up to the ghost of a husband, worry of being compared, the worry that your girlfriend will never love you as much as she loves her {late} husband, and not to mention trying to work your way into the new family who lost their son/brother in law..{now Jacob, has never come out and said these things to me...they are things i figure he is working thru/thinking about...frankly because i am..}

now its difficult for both sides, trying to decide if there is a good time to start dating, or to even consider dating is traumatizing after losing your loved one...i never expected to meet anyone again, especially not as soon as i met Jacob, i figured if i ever decided to date again it would be at least 5 years later..idk why i was set on 5, but 5 sounded like a good number, at the time...i remember always questioning myself if you can have more than one soul mate, i was lucky enough to find my soul mate at a young age...but finding him early he was taken early as well, and i knew i could never settle, i deserve the best. i had found true love and had tasted it, i love it,  it was/is amazing...theres no way i could settle for anything less that true love/a soul mate... there was a lot of anger in the beginning {and somedays during the pregnancy my mind gets away from me} overthinking about how could i be happy again, how could i move on {not that im over Jason, i will NEVER be over Jason} how could i keep living after Jason died...how could i tell another man i love him, without feeling some sort of guilt,  and now that i am pregnant, how could i have another mans baby, when i couldnt have Jason's. and sadly with all the negative that people have had to say to me, another big one was how am i going to tell people that im dating, i have a boyfriend, im in love, running away for the summer with him, moving in with him. and now starting a family with him...i know i shouldnt care what people have to say about me and my life choices, but the negative sticks, and makes you over think things...

right now i am amazing, i am happy, im in a place i never expected to be ever again...i am still surprised with how fast things moved between Jacob and i but i know it was perfect timing...perfect for me, perfect for us.

i honestly dont know if i have fully covered everything i have wanted to cover...i have yet to be satisfied with this post, but its a start, it gets some of the thoughts out there for those of you who have no clue...how traumatizing, hard, and scary the process of dating after becoming a widow is..along with how needed it was for me.