♥♥♥

i forgot to add on the last post that i have been demoted.

i received a wedding announcement addressed to Ms. Hope Schenk.

ive never really written Mrs. Hope Schenk, but seeing Ms. kind of hit a nerve.

i am big on MRS. now, when filling out paperwork.

but friends on FB {everything is on FB} pointed out to me that it is a sign of respect, and well i guess it would be awkward on deciding how to address such invites to me.

so i have laughed it off {like usual} and made jokes {such as being demoted} and love the couple nothing less than before.

its been a while....

in the past 15 days i have.

gone to the dr, and was informed it would be in my best interest to get with a Genetics Counselor to find out when i need to start being checked for breast cancer.

Steppy had her baby. and he LOVES me.

one of my best friends had her baby ♥

i stayed home for 5 nights, 4 of them by myself.

ive cleaned the house. got the 'pharmacy' put away.

i sold a chair {this was longer than 15 days ago but still}

i got frankie a shirt to wear cause he is always freezing. he peed on it. guess he gets to freeze.

i got my hair touched up.

ive had good days. bad nights {story of my life}

i bought new face cleaner, yay for no more connect the dots. {well not so much}

i have become OBSESSED with pinterest.

i started eating healthy today :) {hopefully it sticks}

there is just something about this song...

Turn away
If you could get me a drink
Of water cause my lips are chapped and faded
Call my Aunt Marie
Help her gather all my things
And bury me
In all my favorite colors,
My sisters and my brothers, still,
I will not kiss you,
Cause the hardest part of this,
Is leaving you.
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/m/my_chemical_romance/cancer.html ]
Now turn away,
Cause I'm awful just to see
Cause all my hair's abandoned all my body,
All my agony,
Know that I will never marry,
Baby, I'm just soggy from the chemo,
But counting down the days to go.
It just ain't living
And I just hope you know,

That if you say, (If you say)
Good-bye today, (Good-bye today)
I'd ask you to be true (I'd ask you to be true)
Cause the hardest part of this,
Is leaving you...

Cause the hardest part of this,
Is leaving you...

"We're so arrogant aren't we? So afraid of age, we do everything we can to prevent it. We don't realize what a privilege it is to grow old with someone. Someone who doesn't drive you to commit murder or doesn't humiliate you beyond repair."-P.S. I love you


this was a friends FB status today. 


it hit me hard.


i couldn't agree more....


except, that i feel that i know how big of a privilege it is to grow old with someone.


and i missed out on that privilege....

i hate the term widow. i know that 'technically' i am a widow, and the name of the blog is widowed at 21. but i seriously HATE the word, and hate even more telling people that i am one.

ive only told a few people i am a widow, {drs, insurance people...people who need to know} everyone else i tell i am married, i still wear my ring and very much feel married so i tell people i am married, then it gets awkward when they ask where my husband is. but i am not ready to take my ring off...so keep the awkward situations coming...

5 months.

i cant believe its been this long.

i cant believe ive survived.

"things get better with time" -- no, you only learn how to live with it.

people still say stupid stuff

still dealing with drama

still in shock.

some days it feels as if things are starting to get better

then another day comes



miss him more than words can express.

another song i hear constantly ♥

words from jareth n wesley {nephews}

i was unloading stuff out of my car n the boys were helping me, welsey took in the back pack, when i told him it was Jason's backpack,
wesley- does Jason know im using it?
me- yes he does
wesley- is he ok with it?
me-yes he is.
welsey-has he come back to life yet?
me-GULP. no not yet
Jareth-{giggling}, you cant come back to life!
me-sadly you cant, but i wish jason could.
jareth n wesley- me too.
then jareth told me all about his dream of the drs making jason all better.

i love these 2, i love their ability to ask anything, and believe in the better...i love that jason is still a big part of their lives, we talk about him almost every day ♥